


his last bucketlist

by saesomewoo



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Bucket List, Car Accidents, Death, Fluff and Angst, Head Injury, Hozi, M/M, Post-Idol, Soonhoon - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:02:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 23
Words: 35,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26636299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saesomewoo/pseuds/saesomewoo
Summary: . · : ° : · . but in a solitary life, there are rare moments when another soul dips near yours, as stars once a year brush the earth. such a constellation was he to me.-circe . · : ° : · .two wild souls, a broke-down car and a bucket list."if i end up in heaven, i promise you the stars."crossposted on wattpad! follow me (@saesomewoo)
Relationships: Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Lee Jihoon | Woozi
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	1. 𝖎𝖓𝖙𝖗𝖔

_a star falls from the sky and into your hands. then it seeps through your veins and swims inside your blood and becomes every part of you. and then you have to put it back into the sky. and it's the most painful thing you'll ever have to do and that you've ever done. but what's yours is yours. whether it's up in the sky or here in your hands. and one day, it'll fall from the sky and hit you in the head real hard and that time you won't have to put it back again._

_c. joybell c._


	2. ₐᵣC ᵢ:  ₑ ₜ ₕ ₑ ᵣ ₑ ₐ ₗ

> **per aspera ad astra**   
>  _through hardships to the stars_

> * * *
> 
>   
> he had always been a star
> 
> and as the stars shone
> 
> like a dip in the ocean
> 
> i fell
> 
> they fell
> 
> and they glittered
> 
> trembled
> 
> shattered
> 
> in my hands
> 
> it burned a hole in my heart
> 
> and yet it didn't stay
> 
> because it didn't belong there
> 
> it belonged somewhere else
> 
> maybe
> 
> perhaps
> 
> in the sky
> 
> in the universe
> 
> with the other stars
> 
> that shone just
> 
> as brightly as
> 
> him.
> 
> so i let it go
> 
> so i let him go
> 
> because he was mine
> 
> but he didn't belong to me
> 
> * * *


	3. 𝖆𝖓𝖉𝖗𝖔𝖒𝖊𝖉𝖆

_like stars glued to the black canvass of the night sky,_   
_i was chained._

* * *

the dark fell over them like a curtain as the night rose up from it's slumber. it rose up there, in the sky, swallowing the red-blood sunset into a night of glitter and solitude. soonyoung and jihoon laid beside each other at the back of the older's rusty pick-up truck, staring silently at the stars that seemed to be putting up a show of twirling. the two watched in utter silence, both seemed to be in deep thought.

that was until jihoon spoke to break the trance they were in.

"soonyoung, have you..." he got lost in his head again, and soonyoung could swear that he saw the entire universe spinning in jihoon's eyes.

"have you ever felt how it is like to be a star?"

soonyoung glanced at the stars, before looking back to jihoon. jihoon had silent tears falling from his eyes, but he was still staring at the stars as if he wanted to reach out and hold them near his heart. soonyoung let the younger pour his heart out, because he knew how broken jihoon was beneath his strong façade.

"we all see them up there, twirling prettily and never gazing back at us..." he started, reaching his hand out to the sky and grabbing at the air mindlessly.

"soonyoung, have you ever felt how it is like being glued to one place, not moving any single space, just for the sake of the crowd?" jihoon finally met soonyoung's eyes, "because it's so damn hard."

"i don't want to be caged, soonyoung, you know that. but he-my father- he made me do a lot of things i never really wanted to do. i'm tired of being the perfect son. i'm tired of carrying all of these things i never really asked for just because they couldn't. i'm tired of smiling everytime the camera flashes, i'm tired of wearing that stupid, stupid suit, i'm tired of not doing the things i wanted to do..." jihoon sighed, "it has gotten to a point where i feel like i don't exist anymore."

jihoon stared at his hand, as he thought about how pathetic he sounded. he was always weak, and that's why his father wouldn't trust him to do anything on his own. he didn't even know if there were things he liked aside from the things he was forced to do but has gotten used to it. he didn't even know if he would be able to decide for himself in the future, because all he had known was the feeling of a person chained to a rock, while waiting for a huge monster to devour him.

his thoughts were interrupted when another joined it in the air and intertwined their fingers, making him look at the boy beside him who was staring at him intently.

"you exist to me."

soonyoung guided their hands down to their sides, pulling jihoon closer to him. jihoon closed his eyes as he laid on soonyoung's chest, and he calmed himself down with the older's steady heartbeats.

maybe-maybe existing to only one person is enough.

* * *


	4. 𝖌𝖆𝖓𝖞𝖒𝖊𝖉𝖊

_stars shine like diamonds_   
_so do you._

* * *

sunsets were never a thing for soonyoung and jihoon, for the universe had agreed that they were the night sky and the stars that adorned it. but right then, as they zoomed through the highway with a speed of 160kph, and as the sinking sun painted jihoon a hue of beautiful yellow, soonyoung has decided. any time of the day was made for them and them only.

"yeaaaaaaaah!" jihoon exclaimed, his head was out the window as he screamed through the gush of air that was hitting his face harshly. he was laughing and screaming and smiling all at the same time. soonyoung laughed a little to himself before he glanced over at the younger again.

he was so, so beautiful, that if soonyoung stepped a little harder on the gas pedal, no one was bound to know.

"yah, soons, this is awesome!" jihoon finally threw his body carelessly to the car seat, making it bounce a little. his chest was heaving and his hair was sticking out in all directions but the glint in his eyes as he stared at soonyoung and the smile plastered on his face so wide that it reached his crescent eyes, was the same expression that made soonyoung fall in love with him. several years ago, almost felt like I was lifetime already, jihoon had the exact same smile when they had first sneaked out from his bedroom during eighth grade.

soonyoung chuckled before ruffling jihoon's hair, "told you. you should listen to your hyung more often." —which he followed with a bounce of his eyebrows and a shit-eating grin.

jihoon rolled his eyes at him, "hah, in your dreams, dickface."

soonyoung watched as jihoon turned his head to the side, hiding his smile from the older. because he knew, jihoon knew, that he would be like a lost puppy following soonyoung all day if he told him to.

"i didn't know yellow could be your color."

jihoon looked back, "hmm?"

"i didn't know yellow could be your colour," soonyoung repeated, glancing at jihoon, "i thought blue, violet and black suited you, like the color you used to paint the universe on a white canvass that one time in tenth grade."

they were silent after that, because they both remember the day vividly like it was some sort of a movie that they tend to play inside their heads after a long day. it was the day jihoon confessed his love for the stars, and the day soonyoung had confessed his love for jihoon.

not really necessary to say, but they became inseparable after that day.

jihoon repeated soonyoung's words in his head over and over again, like a broken record player stucked in a loop of time, smiling silently at the beautiful sound it made. soonyoung was deep in his thoughts, too, but for other reasons.

he thought of how happy jihoon had looked while doing something he had never ought to do. something that reeks so much of freedom, something that he can only get a taste of whenever soonyoung would pull him out of his cage. soonyoung thought of wider smiles, louder laughters, and the carefree jihoon, and that was all it took for soonyoung to make a decision as reckless as each of their time together.

"jihoon," soonyoung called, his eyes dimming in determination and love.

jihoon stared right into those eyes, feeling it's weight, his little heart running wild in his little chest in anticipation as he waited.

"run away with me."

* * *


	5. 𝖆𝖖𝖚𝖎𝖑𝖆

_believe me, darling_   
_the stars will follow wherever you go_

* * *

"you know, you remind me of that eagle in greek mythology." jihoon started, his feet propped up on the dashboard as he munched on potato chips.

"do i look like a bird now?" soonyoung mused, doing a pathetic imitation of the bird as he screeched and screamed and made sounds that made him look like a lunatic. jihoon laughed and threw a chip on soonyoung's face, hitting him right on the forehead.

soonyoung smiled, taking his sight a few seconds off the road to glance at jihoon's smile.

he has been driving all night so that they could reach the beach before sunrise. jihoon had slept for a few hours, sleeptalking in his sleep that kept soonyoung awake as the younger had spoken about him. soonyoung wondered if jihoon has been dreaming about him quite often, if jihoon has been showing him off to the stars as he talked to them about him every night. soonyoung felt special.

"no, that's an insult to the birds." jihoon mused.

"there was this god in greek mythology that has fallen in love with the most beautiful boy during their time."

"gayyyyy." soonyoung smirked.

"yep, the guy was married, but he still managed to kidnap the boy using an eagle to make him his cup-bearer." jihoon explained further, his cheeks rounded as he tried to fit all of the potato chip in his mouth without chewing them.

"what about it?" soonyoung asked.

"well, you're the eagle. and i am ganymede, the most beautiful boy that existed."

soonyoung let out a loud cackle. _yes, you are_ , he thought. and as his heart rattled inside his chest, he secretly smiled. _definitely_.

jihoon huffed and crossed his arms in annoyance, he muttered, "whatever. people say i am handsome." he turned his head to the window as the sky slowly lit up with the approaching sunrise, "your opinion don't matter anyways, you can't even see with that eyes of yours."

"you think i am kidnapping you?"

jihoon shook his head. "my family probably did."

soonyoung sighed. they reached the beach just in time for the sunrise. soonyoung took the picnic mat from the back of his pick-up truck and laid it on the sand. jihoon immediately plopped on it, slouching and not saving soonyoung a space. soonyoung shook his head in amusement and just sat on the sand beside jihoon. he handed the younger a bottle of water and a bag of marshmallows.

they sat in silence, the sound of the waves slapping the beach lulled soonyoung to sleep. it was chilly, and it was still a bit dark, perfect for soonyoung to fall asleep. but he didn't want to miss the sunrise with jihoon so he kept his little, droopy eyes open. he wouldn't be able to sleep with the sand getting onto his face anyway.

they waited and they waited, until there was no star in sight. one by one, they disappeared with the night, giving way for the sun. it was yet another day, but it felt like it wasn't. jihoon felt like they were in an eternal loop, he felt like they were out in the universe, with no clock ticking or the sun rising and falling. it was him, soonyoung and the stars. it has always been them.

each time he spends with soonyoung felt like little infinities. there were billions of possibilities, of chances and opportunities. jihoon felt like they could live forever, because time didn't exist between them. he didn't have to worry about immediate flights to the other end of the world, or rushed meetings with a couple old billionaires. he didn't have to worry about his clothes, about disappointing his parents, about being judged.

because with soonyoung, nothing mattered but them, and the stars between them.

a weight suddenly landed on jihoon's shoulders, and he looked to see soonyoung's calm and peaceful face a few inches from his own. he fell asleep while watching the sunrise, and jihoon could not find it in himself to hate the older for sleeping on him. he smiled, before watching the horizon again, savouring the quiet time he had with himself and a sleeping soonyoung.

it was a perfect day--maybe--all alone, away from the world, from their realities.

* * *

if it wasn't for jihoon's phone ringing that has ruined the calm and hopeful silence they struggled to build upon themselves.

* * *


	6. 𝖊𝖗𝖎𝖉𝖆𝖓𝖚𝖘

s _tars_ _don't_ _stay_ _,_  
 _they_ _leave_ _after_ _the_ _night_

* * *

"this is disappointing, jihoon. you are already 22, i did not expect you to do something as childish as this!" his father's voice boomed throughout the entire room, the glass shelf trembling in a corner.

jihoon had his head bowed as he kneeled in front of his fuming father, his mind lost and wandering to the little universe in the corner of his mind he had built to remind himself that he didn't belong in this reality. the day before played inside his mind like an old film, their voices distorted and their vision hazy but it was fine because it was beautiful. he pictured soonyoung's sleeping face in his mind vividly, and it was enough to make him smile.

_forget_. jihoon told himself. _forget everything and fly far, far away from here_. he closed his eyes and he stopped hearing a thing. he escaped. he escaped from his harsh reality into a beautiful world of pretty sunrises, of serene sunsets, of wonderful nights with glittering stars, of soonyoung.

of a beautiful infinity with---

"what--- that boy, he has done these things to you, hasn't he? what was his name---"

\---soonyoung.

jihoon finally snapped from his daydreaming, and looked up to see his father staring at him intently. he had an angry look on his face, and his eyes were cruel as they stared back at jihoon. the boy heard his heart in his ears, his eyes clouding with tears as he quivered. he feared his father, because he may not lay his hands on jihoon, but the pressure of being seen as someone who does not amount to anything scared jihoon more. but right then, he feared, not for himself, but for soonyoung.

he feared for soonyoung because he didn't want him to suffer.

"w-what about him, dad? he--he hasn't done anything wrong, dad, please. i was the one---"--- his father ignored him and turned to the telephone on the table, ,and jihoon immediately crawled and hugged his father's knees, refusing to let go as his tears blurred his vision of his father---- "i was the one who forced him into it! please, punish me, father, he hasn't done anything wrong! please!"

his father bent down and held jihoon by his arms, pulling him up. he stood jihoon in front of him, his eyes twinkling in worry and concern, before it turned cold and stoic once again.

"you should never beg, jihoon, isn't that what i taught you?" his father sighed, "i was just asking for the boy's name because I wanted to talk to him. you are my only son, jihoon, and you are an heir to all of this wealth. i don't want some guy to be taking advantage of your naivety."

"no, no, no, father, soonyoung isn't like that!" jihoon exclaimed, holding his father's arms.

"lee jihoon, fix yourself in this instance." his father commanded, and immediately, automatically, jihoon stood straight, his gaze straight ahead as his body stiffly went into a statue-like stance. there were tears still falling from his eyes, and his hair and clothes were dirty and soggy because he hasn't taken a shower yet since the day before, but he couldn't care less. he looked like a stiff businessman in a beggar's clothes.

"son," his father sighed once again, his hand falling onto jihoon's left shoulder, "i don't want you to be weak. i know you are stronger than this. your mother and i wouldn't be here forever, so you will have to take all of this in due time. i am training you, so you don't fall into the hands of opportunistic people that would try to ruin you after you have helped them. you have heard about the chois, haven't you? you should never acquaint yourself with those kind of people. no one will stay with you if you are weak. no one will love you if you are weak."

"i didn't ask for this. i just... i just want a simple life with all of you." jihoon muttered under his breath. it didn't reach his father's ears.

"the chois..."

jihoon swallowed at the mention of that family name.

"we, the lees, have helped them with our own money out of kindness, and what did the swine choi do? they became our biggest rival." jihoon's father gritted his teeth at the memories of their family's once closest friend.

"father, soonyoung is different from those people. he would never hurt me. he---" jihoon swallowed as he stared into his father's eyes, and with all the courage, determination and sincerity he could muster, he uttered, "he loves me.

and if you still doubt him, then i will prove to you that love isn't all about strength. sometimes, being in love means being weak and vulnerable, and for you to be strong, you must have that person by your side."

mr. lee's eyes widened a fraction, his hand that was placed on jihoon's shoulder fell to his side. he inhaled, and nodded, before he turned back and walked to the door.

jihoon's shoulder's fell.

but before the older lee could get a hold of the knob, he faced jihoon,

"convince me then. do whatever you have to do. convince me that he would never turn his back on you."

jihoon's father left with a little smile on his lips. he had raised a strong man, he was sure of that.

in a moment, jihoon was already driving his car towards soonyoung's house. he couldn't believe anything that has happened. his father, for the first time, let him do the thing he wanted. for the first time in jihoon's life, he was not forced to leave someone's side just because his father told him to.

jihoon was so happy that he couldn't stop laughing as he drove under the scorching heat of the sun. he could already see soonyoung's face as he jumped around in place after jihoon tells him that he doesn't have to sneak out of his house anymore, because he could now go on road trips with soonyoung without worrying about enraging his father again. there were still a lot of things jihoon didn't want to do, like taking over their company, but he had hope now that maybe someday, his father would realise that jihoon isn't the son they had wanted.

jihoon wasn't as strong as his parents, but it was okay because at least he could do the things he really love. atleast he could be whatever he wanted to be. at least he had soonyoung.

he smiled. he thought of the things he could be and the things he could do if he didn't have to take over the company anymore. he and soonyoung could buy a little bungalow house by the beach, and he could put up a little music school for children that was as passionate as them. he would teach his class of thirty-two students the basics of singing, because jihoon really loves singing, and maybe piano and guitar and basically all the instruments he knew how to play. then beside his school, soonyoung could put up a dance studio, where he would be teaching teenagers his 'awesome' dance moves. ("my dance moves are awesome, ji!" soonyoung exclaimed at him after he poke fun at the older's noodle dance.)

it was so beautiful, the picture jihoon had in his mind was beautiful that he got lost in it. finally... finally, he could get a taste of freedom. of his infinity with soonyoung.

he got lost in it, and maybe—just maybe, the fatigue from a day's trip to the beach also caught up to him, that he forgot he was driving through the busy streets of seoul, under the heat of the sun.

there was a loud crash as a truck collided with jihoon's car, and the boy's vision of infinity was interrupted by a harsh blow to his head.

* * *

ragged heartbeats, messy footsteps, uneven breathing,

s _oonyoung_ _started_ _feeling_ _numb_ _all_ _over._

tear-stained cheeks, eyes wide with fear and worry, trembling lips,

s _oonyoung_ _does_ _not_ _want_ _to_ _feel_ _a thing._

thoughts of sorrow, kisses of death, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain-

b _ut_ s _oonyoung_ _still_ _does. the numbing_ _stops_ _._ _h_ _e_ _wants_ _it_ _back_.

* * *

"how is he?"

the doctor's lips formed into a thin line, his eyes almost expressionless if not for the faint sympathy showing on it. soonyoung did not know how to read faces, but he immediately knew that the doctors would not be bringing good news anytime soon. the doctor excused himself before exiting the room, almost in a hurry, not wanting to feel the suffocating sorrow that lies in the heavy atmosphere of the room.

it has been a year. a year that felt like an eternal suffering for soonyoung who could only watch as jihoon cried and screamed because of pain. it has been a year, and the doctors were losing hope, but not soonyoung.

definitely not him, because jihoon had promised that he would live forever, and soonyoung believed him.

soonyoung took jihoon's fragile hand in his, hating the fact that it already lost the warmth he once loved. he eyed jihoon with so much emotion, his eyes glistening with so much longing, his lips slightly quivering at the thought of being left alone with jihoon that lies almost lifeless on the cold hospital bed.

suddenly, his eyes were brimming with tears he thought he had already ran out of. he buried his face on his arms the moment he started sobbing, still holding on to jihoon's hand. he let it all out with a cry, his voice sounding so broken, so sad, so _unfixable_.

soonyoung didn't want to let go, but jihoon seemed to be slipping from him day by day. their short infinities were getting shorter, and soonyoung hated it.

the event he feared of happening seems to be moving so fast- _s_ _o_ so fast that he couldn't even get a glimpse of it before it suddenly laid itself in front of him. he wanted to reach out a hand, to stop it, to make it go away, to push it. hell, he would even get on his knees to beg, if that would give him a chance to live a normal life with the love of his life.

soonyoung felt a slight squeeze on his hand, so subtle, so weak, that it was almost unnoticeable. but soonyoung knew better than to ignore it, he looked up, and he was met with a smiling face of an angel.

so beautiful, so bright, yet so sad.

so sad that seeing it's smile crushes soonyoung's heart. he knew that smiling was the last thing jihoon felt like doing, but he still did, and that's what soonyoung admired the most from his boyfriend.

jihoon was so strong, even stronger than soonyoung. the older knew that jihoon's fighting all the pain, yet he was still smiling like he was feeling all the best, when soonyoung couldn't even fight back the tears and the painful crushing of his heart.

all he did was cry whenever jihoon was not looking. he was the one to be comforting the younger, but it always seems like he needed it more and jihoon's always there to smile at him as if to say that it's okay.

just like now.

"don't you get tired of crying?" jihoon weakly asked, reaching out a hand to wipe the tears on soonyoung's cheeks.

soonyoung wanted to do something for the younger, he wanted jihoon to have that smile on his lips not because he was comforting soonyoung but because he was just happy. soonyoung wanted to bring back the twinkle in jihoon's eyes.

it was always jihoon who did all the great things that makes soonyoung feel giddy. from all the songs jihoon made for him, to the little smiles that paints his lips, it was always jihoon.

and soonyoung wanted to do something about it for the first time.

this time, he wanted to be the one giving.

"you're beautiful, you know that, right? please live forever, jihoonie."

* * *


	7. 𝖈𝖆𝖓𝖈𝖊𝖗

_i'd shower_ _you_ _with_ _love_  
 _my_ _little_ _star_

* * *

soonyoung drove his broke-down pick-up by the ocean, his arms propped on the window as he enjoyed the breeze tickling his skin. he looked up through the windshield, and he noticed that in the sky, there was only one bright twinkling star that seemed to follow him. instinctively, he looked to his side with a smile, expecting to see jihoon on his passenger seat with his phone in his hand, but he wasn't there.

jihoon wasn't beside soonyoung in his broke-down car. jihoon wasn't anywhere near soonyoung, and it broke the latter.

he missed their car rides. he missed jihoon's youthful laughter as he yelled their names through the harsh bite of the midnight breeze. he missed jihoon's calm and peaceful presence as they laid on the back of his pick-up, just staring at the stars silently as if to converse with them inside their minds, which, soonyoung believed, that jihoon really does. for he was one of them. jihoon was one of the stars.

soonyoung looked up at the sky again, and he decided to call that lone star _woozi_.

* * *

"is that your grocery list?" soonyoung teased when he came into jihoon's hospital room and saw that the younger was listing some things inside his leather journal. he had his brow furrowed and his tounge in between his lips as he concentrated on whatever he was doing.

jihoon threw a crumpled ball of paper at him, with soonyoung effectively dodging it. the older chuckled, putting down the black plastic bag of bottled water and a box of homemade cookies that he bought for the two of them before walking to jihoon. he bent down to kiss the younger's forehead, peeping at the contents of the leather journal as he did so.

"this, my love, is a bucket list." jihoon grinned at soonyoung, and soonyoung couldn't help but smile, too.

"what for? do you want something? you know that i will-"

"shut it, soons. these are the things i want to do before i-well, the things i want to do, period." jihoon smiled, showing soonyoung the leather journal and the bucket list he had spent all of his morning for. he wondered if he would be able to do them all, now that he was weaker. jihoon shooed the thoughts away from his mind, he didn't want to be sad today.

soonyoung didn't know what to feel. he knew that this was a sign of something inevitable. jihoon knew it, too, but they refuse to admit it aloud. the rest of their morning was spent in silence, as they struggled to not think about anything that was as bothering them.

when the night fell, soonyoung thought of the lone star he saw back when he was driving around the city. it followed him, through the bushy roads, to the wide, busy streets of seoul. soonyoung felt like it was tied to him, and he wanted to show it to jihoon.

"ji?" he called the younger who was laying down on his bed with his back turned to soonyoung.

"hmm?" jihoon hummed.

"i want to show you something."

jihoon finally looked at him, his eyes were tired and swollen, as if he had been crying all day silently and soonyoung almost didn't want to make the younger get up from the bed so that he could just cuddle him instead and reassure him of things he couldn't even reassure himself of. but he had to. he knew how jihoon loves the stars, he would hate soonyoung for life and would refuse to cuddle with him again if soonyoung didn't show him.

soonyoung offered his hand, and jihoon took it.

he made jihoon wear a sweater that was obviously his as it didn't fit jihoon's small physique at all. he looked quite cute in it though, and soonyoung couldn't keep the smile from creeping onto his lips.

"what are you smiling about? you look like a creepy pedophile." jihoon accused, his eyebrows furrowing.

"well, maybe i am. your height is for a pre-schooler anyways, how old are you again?" soonyoung rebutted.

jihoon just glared at him and crossed his arms in front of his chest. soonyoung chuckled at the younger's pouty face before throwing his arm around jihoon's shoulder, pulling him closer to his body.

it got more cold when they got outside of the hospital, so soonyoung took off his jacket and gave it to jihoon, who took it hesistantly. soonyoung made it seem like he did not care about the cold, to not worry jihoon, even if his teeth were almost close to clattering.

he looked around the garden, two tall garden lamp posts illuminated the area enough to see their paths, but not enough to shoo the darkness away that kept the place mysterious under the night sky. the fountain at the middle of the garden seemed like something that came out from a children's book of fairy tales. there were three benches around it, and the rest of the space were filled with different kind of flowers, colouring the dark a beautiful dark shade of the colors of the rainbow.

he held jihoon's hand and led him to the bench at the center, aways from the tall bushes and tress that would block the sky from their sight. they sat down, side to side, shoulder blades pressing onto each other, hands intertwined on soonyoung's lap.

soonyoung pulled the younger's head to rest on his shoulders. he pointed at the sky, and jihoon looked up.

"see that one blue star? the brightest one?" soonyoung asked.

jihoon hummed, "yes, betelguese, isn't it?"

soonyoung stiffened, "oh, it has a name?"

jihoon laughed before smacking him across the head, "of course, you dimwit!"

soonyoung scratched his head bashfully, grinning at jihoon before pulling the younger to lean on him again.

"i gave it a name," soonyoung started but after hearing jihoon laugh, he struggled to rephrase it, "well, i didn't know it already has a name so I gave it one!"

"what did you name it? hoshi?"

soonyoung smiled.

"why would i name it hoshi? you've given me that! there could never be two hoshis in this world as long as i exist!"

jihoon smacked him again, although there was a hint of a distant smile on his lips. of _course, there could never be two_ _hoshis_ _in this world. you're my only star,_ he thought.

"woozi. isn't that your soundcloud username? cute, right?"

soonyoung expected jihoon to be teasing him or to be blushing furiously as he hit soonyoung on his forehead again, what he did not expect was the silence as jihoon stared at him in shock, eyes brimming with tears. jihoon then pulled soonyoung closer, then he buried his face on the crook of soonyoung's neck and he cried silently. his hands balled into fists as he clutched to his boyfriend's shirt for dear life. he refused to make a sound. soonyoung pulled him onto his lap and he wrapped both of his arms around the younger's waist, rocking them slowly as he hummed a lullaby. he looked at that lone star.

_woozi_ _, please never disappear when the sun rises._

he smiled bitterly.

* * *

"where are we going?" jihoon asked, eyes covered with a soft cloth. soonyoung just grinned even though the younger couldn't see him, tugging a little harder for jihoon to rush his steps.

jihoon just groaned in annoyance.

when they reached the place, soonyoung made the younger sit on one of the park bench before removing the blindfold that forbids jihoon from seeing the excitement on his boyfriend's face. jihoon immediately looked around, surprised to see that they were actually in a park, where people are busy enjoying their time with their loved ones. the bench he was sitting was the least used, for it was facing a building just across the busy street.

"you chose this place instead of the better ones with flowers around it?" jihoon shook his head, the small smile that was decorating his face widening the moment he saw soonyoung's pout.

"wait here. i'll go get something."

jihoon nodded even though he did not want to be left alone. he sighed while watching the older's figure slowly fade away, and he turned his head back to the busy street.

suddenly, the whole place lit up with pinkish light, and jihoon snapped his head towards the building in front of him. the building had a huge screen in front of it, playing videos of wonderfully falling cherry blossom petals. it was far from april, no cherry blossom tree would bear pinkish petals around this time.

jihoon silently laughed to himself. why were the staffs of that building playing such videos on their building screen? shouldn't it be filled with advertisements and such? he hoped soonyoung was there to see the irony of the scene with him. it was wonderful, but still funny.

jihoon somehow grew impatient of just waiting for soonyoung so he got up and turned around to walk back to the place where they had parked the pick-up. and then, all of you sudden, something strucked him frozen to the spot.

the park suddenly became abandoned. no one was left to watch the whole cherry blossom scene with him. the families disappeared, the laughing teenagers disappeared and even the ice cream vendor disappeared too.

"oi, midget!"

then there soonyoung was, smiling cheekily at jihoon with an umbrella in hand. the smaller of the two wanted to laugh at him, the sun was hiding and there's no way it could be raining, so what is the umbrella for?

he wanted to laugh, but he remembered that the jerk just called him a midget.

he glared at him and soonyoung started to walk towards him. when soonyoung reached the fuming jihoon, he shared his umbrella with him.

"are you shitting me? what's this umbrella for?" jihoon hissed, keeping a straight face but inside his head, he was laughing at the stupidity of the older.

"this." soonyoung smiled.

and then suddenly, there was rain pouring hard on them, filling jihoon with the memories of his and soonyoung's first meeting.

i _t_ _was_ _a_ _windy_ _afternoon_ _in_ _mid-april_ _,_ _and_ _the_ _cherry_ _blossom_ _parks_ _were_ _all_ _crowded_ _with_ _people_ _wanting_ _to_ _see_ _the_ _beauty_ _of_ _it_ _._ _j_ _ihoon_ _sighed_ _,_ _before_ _looking_ _at_ _his_ _watch_ _._ _h_ _is_ _friend_ _was_ _already_ _an_ _hour_ _late_ _._ _t_ _hey_ _were_ _supposed_ _to_ _document_ _the_ _cherry_ _blossoms_ _together_ _for_ _a_ _school_ _project_ _._ _h_ _e_ _gues_ _s he_ _would_ _be_ _doing_ _it_ _by_ _himself_ _._ _h_ _e_ _got_ _up_ _from_ _the_ _bench_ _and_ _secured_ _the camera_ _in_ _his_ _hands_ _._ _h_ _e_ _started_ _capturing_ _the_ _beauty_ _and_ _just_ _minutes after, he_ _was_ _already_ _getting_ _tired_ _of_ _it_ _._

_"oi,_ _midget_ _!"_

su _ddenly_ _,_ _a_ _cheeky_ _smile_ _appeared_ _on_ _his_ _camera_ _,_ _startling_ _j_ _ihoon_ _._ _h_ _e_ _immediately_ _stood_ _straight_ _and_ _looked_ _at_ _the_ _newcomer_ _with_ _annoyance_ _._

_"_ _w_ _ha_ _-"_

j _ihoon_ _was_ _not_ _able_ _to_ _finish_ _his_ _question_ _when_ _rain_ _started_ _pouring_ _hard_ _._ _h_ _e_ _immediately_ _protected_ _his_ _camera_ _from_ _the_ _rain_ _and_ _was_ _about_ _to_ _run_ _to_ _the_ _nearest_ _roof_ _when_ _a_ _hand_ _stopped_ _him_ _from_ _doing_ _so_ _._

j _ihoon_ _looked_ _back_ _and_ _he_ _saw_ _the_ _man_ _from_ _earlier_ _holding_ _an_ _umbrella_ _for_ _the_ _both_ _of_ _them_ _._

_"we_ _can share_ _if_ _you_ _want_ _."_

soonyoung smiled wider the moment he saw the recognition on jihoon's eyes. He was so happy that jihoon still remembered the first time they met and that the younger seemed to be so happy remembering it.

"i still did not forget how you called me a midget." jihoon said, but with a smile on his face.

and they both admitted the fact that those memories of their first meeting was their favourite, because it lead them into each other's lives.

~~⚫⚫⚫~~

**jihoon's**   
**b u c k e t l i s t**

[✔] 1. watch cherry blossoms on a rainy day.

  
_[even_ _though_ _the_ _cherry_ _blossoms_ _were_ _only_ _played_ _on_ _a_ _big_ _screen_ _and_ _the_ _raindrops_ _did_ _not_ _come_ _from_ _the_ _sky_ _but_ _from_ _a_ _firetruck_ _.]_

* * *


	8. 𝔦𝔫𝔱𝔢𝔯𝔩𝔲𝔡𝔢: 𝖘𝖞𝖟𝖞𝖌𝖞

> _**s y z y g y** _   
>  _an alignment of_ _celestial_ _bodies_
> 
> · . • ° · : · ° • . ·
> 
> _b_ _eautiful_ _stars_ _leaves_  
>  _treasured_ _scars_ _._
> 
> · . • ° · : · ° • . ·
> 
> the boy with slanted eyes watched in silence as his boyfriend sat on the garden bench, reading his favourite book, _the fault in our stars._ he still hadn't made his presence known, for he enjoyed watching the younger be in solitude with his book. he smiled, his eyes tracing jihoon's focused facial features, and his delicate hand softly flipping the pages of the book.
> 
> there will never be a time that the smaller boy wouldn't be as beautiful as the fragile boy he had offered to share his umbrella with in a cherry blossom park.
> 
> his hand traveled to the bulge in his pocket, the black velvet box was the night sky enclosing a sphere full of stars. would it make his boyfriend happy? would he love the universe the boy with slanted eyes had prepared for him? he just hoped his handwriting wouldn't ruin everything, but knowing his boyfriend, he'd probably laugh at him.
> 
> the boy with the slanted eyes shook his head in fond and amusement. his boyfriend read in silence, still unaware of the presence a few meters away from him.
> 
> the boy was interrupted with his reminiscing when someone cleared their throat behind him. soonyoung smiled and got ready to apologise for blocking the way and turned to look, but the smile slowly faded from his lips the moment he recognized who the newcomer was.
> 
> "sir," he uttered breathlessly before bowing "good morning." 
> 
>   
> the man just nodded his head, his eyeglass staying perched on his high nose as he held his head up high. the boy wasn't the least intimidated, but it was his boyfriend's father and he wanted to at least maintain a civil relationship with him.
> 
> "didn't the doctors tell you that my son is weak?" his voice was hard, and he refused to look at the boy like he was just some sort of fly he was disgusted with.
> 
> the boy took a deep breath.
> 
> "they did, sir."
> 
> "then why do you still take him on your stupid endeavors? wasn't his accident enough?"
> 
> the man's voice was like the harsh bite of the winter breeze, cold, and stinging. the boy knew that the man was only looking out for his son, and he wanted to understand him, but as the boy remembered the sleepless nights his boyfriend spent crying because of his father, his stomach churned in anger. the boy wanted to just take his boyfriend and fly to wherever they could without the man ruining their little bubble of happiness.
> 
> "i would never wish harm upon him, sir—"
> 
> "he was on his way to you when that accident happened. you were the reason for all of his suffering!" the man hissed, making the boy take a step back.
> 
> the man finally met the boy's eyes. he was seething with anger, yet there were also a hint of tears gathering up at the corner of his eyes. the boy's eyes twitched as felt his heartbeat quicken. he couldn't believe it. he was... he was the reason for his boyfriend's accident? this man was blaming him for that tragedy that came upon him and his lover? he couldn't believe it. his eyebrows furrowed and tears started blurring his sight.
> 
> "if jihoon just stayed as the perfect son that he was until he met you, he wouldn't have gone with you to that goddamn beach just to tire his self out, and run to you the day after with nothing but his fatigue to get him into an accident! you ruined my son! you ruined everything i have planned for him just because of your—
> 
> of your stupid, childish nonsense! you are irrelevant to his life, boy! you made him into one of your kind. the reckless, stupid, and good-for-nothing bastards like you don't deserve to be acquainted with my son! and now he's—
> 
> he's dying because of you!"
> 
> "stop!"
> 
> the boy's eyes widened as well as the man's, both turned to see the owner of the voice and both froze to see the fragile boy gaping at them with tears running down his cheeks. his favourite book was discarded on the floor, beside his feet.
> 
> "jihoon—"
> 
> the fragile boy shook his head before his legs suddenly moved, running far, far away from the two, towards the universe he had hidden on a corner of his mind, far from the reality he was forced to face.
> 
> the boy with slanted eyes took a few steps to follow his boyfriend, but not before looking back at the man who had guilt written all over his face and muttering in what seemed like a growl,
> 
> "i may be a good-for-nothing bastard who don't own anything that can amount to the shoe polish that you stupid posh people use, but at least i am a good-for-nothing bastard who loves your son so much that i refuse to let him die under my watch," the boy raise his head, challenging the man courageously, before he spat in a disgusted tone, "unlike you."
> 
> "goodbye sir, we will never see each other again."
> 
> and the man was left gawking at the boy who had started sprinting towards the direction where his son took off. that time, he still didn't know that the boy was right.
> 
> he didn't see the boy for a few months,
> 
> he disappeared together with his son.
> 
> **end of arc 1.**   
>  _ethereal_
> 
> * * *


	9. ₐᵣC ᵢᵢ:  ₑ ₚ ₕ ₑ ₘ ₑ ᵣ ₐ ₗ

>   
>  **non est ad astra mollis e terris via**  
>  _there is no easy way from the earth to the stars_

> * * *
> 
> take me, my love
> 
> to a journey that is
> 
> short-lived
> 
> take me, my love
> 
> to the stars you admire
> 
> and make me
> 
> memories that i would never
> 
> forget  
>    
> 
> 
> **_for eternity_ **
> 
> **_for_ ** **_infinity_ **
> 
> **_for forever_ **
> 
> * * *


	10. 𝖛𝖊𝖑𝖆

_if the sky is an ocean,_  
_drowning with the stars is a good way to die_

* * *

  
the night has already fallen and yet, the city was still bustling with life, busy people with their families that they take out once every week, busy couples that took advantage of the promo that a famous restaurant was offering, busy businessmen driving their porsche in stiff and uncomfortable suits that they hated but couldn't let go of even if that day was supposed to be a rest day. everyone has somewhere to go, cars beeping loudly, cafes playing classical music, the loud chatter of the busy people, and they were happy.

  
it was loud outside that one pick-up truck, and everyone was bustling with life, but the two left inside was in their own universe, hiding.

of all the days the two boys could have ran away, it was a sunday, in which people are out and about to enjoy their day offs. there was a huge traffic in a highway in seoul, and the two boys didn't have anything to say to each other. they waited anxiously in silence, with jihoon facing the window and tapping on the dashboard with his fingers. soonyoung stayed focused on the road, his elbow propped on his open window, his thumb mindlessly playing with his own lips.

for the first time, the two boys were tensed.

gone was their playful attitude towards each other. gone was their teasing and laughing and singing and just being happy throughout their road trips. the pick-up truck that has served as their sanctuary for a few years, being a witness to the love that sprouted from the two, laid dull and hopeless. the sound that was coming from the car, the low him of the engine, was the only thing that kept the two grounded.

they had spent silent nights with each other before, listening to the quiet twinkling of the stars, but right then, it was different. everything was so much different.

soonyoung couldn't believe that he was doing this. he was running away with jihoon, to leave everything behind, and for once, he felt scared. he subtly glanced over at jihoon, and thought of the endless possibilities they could have together, but unlike before, it didn't excite him.

soonyoung feared the endless possibilities of their universe, because one of them could be jihoon falling ill, with the unemployed soonyoung not having anything to support the younger. he was finally starting to regret his decision. he thought of going back, of taking a u-turn back to their harsh reality,

but even that scares him. because if they go back, mr. lee would do everything to keep them away from each other.

soonyoung didn't know what scared him more; jihoon suffering in his arms, or jihoon being kept from him. both would hurt just the same.

the boy with the slanted eyes thought of jihoon, of what his love really wanted, of what would make him happier, and soonyoung was reminded of that day in the hospital when he followed jihoon after his father confronted him.

" _jihoon! jihoon_ , _wait!" soonyoung pushed his legs to move faster as he caught sight of the smaller boy a few meters from him. jihoon then suddenly fell to his knees, being too tired to continue running, losing his breath as he cried on his palms._

_soonyoung cursed. he kneeled beside jihoon and snaked his arms around the younger, carrying him in his arms as he stood up. jihoon fisted_ _soonyoung's_ _shirt, sobbing silently._

_the older felt_ _his heart dropping to his stomach. he listened as jihoon cried to himself, their hearts full of hopelessness and anguish, the weight of their situation finally dropping to their shoulders. it was time to admit it. the thoughts that they had pushed to the farthest corners of their mind returned to surface, swallowing them wh_ _ole_ _in darkness, with no stars to guide them._

_soonyoung, despite his legs wanting to give in, started to walk towards jihoon's hospital room._

_the senior citizen residents of the hospital that soonyoung has befriended watch them with sad eyes, having to know the situation of the young couple. they gushed about how the world was unfair, and how it never let love free. they gushed about how the world kills love, the very thing it needed the most, before it could even grow to it's peak._

_soonyoug_ _couldn't help but agree with them. the world was, indeed, unfair._

_"...soonyoung_." 

_soonyoung looked down to see jihoon staring at him with wide, crazed eyes. his entire face was wet with tears, but he still managed to look as beautiful as ever. the older felt his heartbeat going wild as he got lost in the eyes of his love. he would dive into jihoon's ocean of stars, if he could, and drown in it._

_"take me far from here," jihoon had whispered, "please..."_

when soonyoung remembered that face jihoon had made when he begged to be taken away, he realised that he was doing the right thing. this was what jihoon needed, a breath from the reality he had gotten tired of.

stop doubting everything, soonyoung told himself, just follow your lone star.

so the older looked up, and sure he saw _woozi_ blinking at him, as if to say 'what are you waiting for?'. soonyoung shook his head, chuckled, and looked over at jihoon who was staring at him in confusion at his sudden outburst.

"you know what, ji," he started, a smile grazing his lips, switching his gears as he drove his pick-up truck towards the road with less cars, "this isn't us."

he reached for the knob of the radio just beside his steering wheel and played with it until a song they were both familiar with started playing.

"if i lay here, if i just lay here," soonyoung smiled, singing along with the song playing from the radio, and then he glanced over at jihoon, "would you lie with me and just forget about the world?"

a smile slowly crept into jihoon's lips as he stared back at soonyoung.

 _right_. jihoon shook his head, letting out a laugh as soonyoung started headbanging to the rhythm of the song. then when the chorus came again, they started screaming the lyrics, with soonyoung driving faster so the wind would ruffle their hair more. _now, this_ ** _is_** _us._

* * *

  
"argh. fuck this shit." soonyoung cursed when the old pick-up started sputtering smoke. he pulled over just beside the gate to the pier. they had already experienced the old thing stopping in the middle of the street for a hundred times throughout their years together. it has been one of the things they loved about soonyoung's pick-up, even if it was just an inconvenience most of the time.

"what are we going to do, now?" jihoon asked as he got out of the car before it suffocated him.

soonyoung coughed a little, before opening the hood of the pick-up to let out more smoke. they both coughed, with jihoon looking around soonyoung to get a glimpse at the engine of the pick-up.

"you know how this old baby works. we just have to let it cool down then we can go on our merry way again." soonyoung supplied, pouring a bottle of water on the engine to help it cool down. jihoon sat on the curb after that, knowing that it will take at least a few hours for the pick-up to run again. he looked around and his eyes lingered on the gates of the pier.

soonyoung then closed the hood of the pick-up and walked towards jihoon, but the latter was deep in thought as he stared at something behind the older. soonyoung glanced behind his shoulder, and the white gates of the pier almost blinded him.

_oh hell no._

he looked back at jihoon to see the younger grinning at him.

"how much money do you have left?"

—————& ·.·°•★•°·.· &—————

  
as the cargo ship rocked from side to side, soonyoung held jihoon in his arms, their bodies close to each other as the laid at the back of their pick-up. they stared at the ceiling of the storage room of the ship, pretending to see the stars in the sky.

soonyoung had managed to bribe the personnel that was in charged of supervising the cargoes that would be shipped to jeju island. they were now headed to an island both of them hadn't been to before, with their only hope being their own wild souls, the limited money the couple had in their shared atm account, and the little lone star that soonyoung believed to be the guide to their serendipity.

soonyoung just hoped that they were towards a journey they won't forget, and wouldn't cause then any pain and suffering along the way.

soonyoung suddenly felt a soft palm caressing his face. he looked down at jihoon who was staring at him, his eyebrows furrowed in worry.

"you're frowning."

soonyoung shook his head and forced a smile.

"nothing bad will happen to us. we're now free, soonyoung." jihoon reassured, smiling, comforting the other who was obviously tensed.

soonyoung felt his muscle relaxing, and he gave way to a more genuine smile.

"doesn't this put another check in your bucket list?"

"actually, and ironically, yes."

~~⚫⚫⚫~~

**jihoon's**  
**b u c k e t l i st**

[✔] set sail to the seven seas

_even_ _if we only illegally boarded a cargo ship that was under the seven seas co. to a place we are unfamiliar with, jeju._

* * *


	11. 𝖈𝖔𝖒𝖆 𝖇𝖊𝖗𝖊𝖓𝖎𝖈𝖊𝖘

_stars would burn a hole in your heart_   
_i have burned a hole in_ _mine_ _since i met you_

* * *

  
there were loud noises, and it woke jihoon up.

he struggled to lift up his heavy lids, only having to fall asleep an hour before because of soonyoung's endless chattering. he talked about his family a lot when it was mentioned, gushing about how they used to go on road trips to the neighboring town back when they were still residing in busan. he also talked about his parent's specialty in cooking seafood, and that no five star restaurant could imitate their recipe. then he told jihoon a story of his older sister when she was still in high school, having to sleep walk around the house with a green creepy face mask on and frightening the hell out of younger soonyoung to the point of wetting his pyjamas and having nightmares for a month.

jihoon couldn't fight the smile that forced it's way to his lips. he looked over at the older, who was still snoring beside him. soonyoung lifted up his left hand, scratching his face adorably.

then suddenly, a sharp pain tore through jihoon's thoughts of soonyoung, he closed his eyes and opened his mouth to scream--- but one look at the sleeping soonyoung made him swallow all the pain. he huffed, and opened his mouth again just to let out a puff of air as he tried to fight the pain back. he clutched his head in his trembling hands in agony. he felt like something was digging through his brain, like it was physically tearing his head apart, and the distant throbbing of his bones only added more to the pain.

he sat up slowly, careful not to wake soonyoung up as he struggled to crawl towards the corner of the pick-up truck where their bags were laid. he rummaged through his bag, gasping in relief when he felt the bottle of pain reliever inside.

"hey, what's that old, rusty thing doing in here?"

jihoon's eyes widened, seeing soonyoung suddenly sit up. the older, with wide, swollen eyes, gestured to jihoon to stay silent.

jihoon nodded, his brain still feeling like it was burning, but he kept his lips shut. he didn't want soonyoung to know. tears had started prying at the corner of his eyes. he struggled to tune out the pain, as he watched soonyoung who was peeking at the newcomers.

jihoon closed his eyes. _god, please. not now._

"jihoon...!" soonyoung whisper-shouted, tiptoeing towards jihoon and pulling the younger towards the little window to the driver and passenger seat of the pick-up.

"that pick-up isn't in the list of the cargoes!" alarmed one of the voices, "check it, boys!"

soonyoung cursed as he ignited the engine of the pick up. jihoon sat silently beside him, and the older had wondered if what was going on inside the younger's head. the the gate of the storage section of the ship opened slowly, and soonyoung waited anxiously as the voices were already getting nearer.

he sneaked a glance at jihoon to check on him and then back at the gates, but doubled over when he realised that jihoon was in pain. he kept his face away from soonyoung, but the older could see a glimpse of his pale, trembling lips and his eyelids that were closed tightly.

"jihoon, fuck, are you okay---"

"there they are! they illegally boarded this ship!"

"shit." soonyoung could see a handful of bulky men jogging up towards them, but the gates were already wide open. all he had to do was to step on the gas pedal and they're out of danger.

he didn't care though. because jihoon was in pain beside him, tears cascading down his hollow cheeks, wetting his pale lips. he didn't care anymore, he could go to jail for all he cares, he just couldn't bear to see jihoon silently fighting his pain when he's just beside him.

"jihoon, why didn't you tell me?! god, jihoon, what are you feeling, where does it hurt, fuck---- what should i do?"

"...soons. just---just get out of here." jihoon had uttered weakly, before he gasped, his eyes as wide as a saucer, and screamed.

he _screamed_.

soonyoung was frozen to his seat. that scream was like a sharp cut through his heart, it was full of anguish, hurt, and pain, _pain, pain, pain, pain pain pain pain pain pain—_ he couldn't take his eyes off jihoon, his tears had started falling down after the other, down to his lap. _**look**_ ** _away_**. he couldn't look away. it broke him, it broke him and it stepped on him and it gnawed on his broken pieces but he... he couldn't look away. he was in a trance, just like when they first met.

_he stood there, the most beautiful boy soonyoung had ever seen. he was holding a camera in his tiny, delicate hands, and despite the frown on his face, he still managed to look adorable before_ _soonyoung's_ _eyes. everything disappeared into a distant blur around him, and the boy was standing out from all of the swirl of colours. soonyoung had forgotten about the world, and there, in his little universe he made for himself, was the brightest star of them all._

_"gosh, why haven't i brought my umbrella with me?" a rushing girl bumped onto soonyoung, breaking the latter from his trance._

_"sorry." the girl apologised before running off, holding her bag over her head._

_soonyoung looked down to see the umbrella on his hands, and that's when he realised that the rain was starting to fall. he looked at the boy with the camera and he was_ _strucked_ _with concern. the boy didn't seem to notice that it was already raining, for he was under the shade of a cherry blossom tree and was rather focused on capturing photos._

_he was cute and tiny, and soonyoung couldn't help but let his heart run from him._

_"oi, midget!"_

**_please, look away._ **

**_please._ **

_jihoon laughed, and soonyoung watched as the younger's eyes turned into slits. he smiled to himself._ i like his laugh, _he thought._ i really really like his laugh.

_"you know what, i will give you a stage name you can use when you become an idol." jihoon smiled at soonyoung, adjusting the lens of the telescope as he talked._

_the observatory was deserted, for it was already over it's closing time, but the two had decided to push their luck. they hid from the guards that were patrolling the area, and giggled to themselves everytime they see one. they didn't have to worry about the_ _cctv_ _cameras because the_ _obsevatory_ _didn't have any, for it was already old. it had been long since the lights were put out, and they had to find their way around the place using their phone light._

_"it better be awesome so it fits my awesome dance moves." soonyoung did his version of noodle dance as if to prove his point._

_"_ _hoshi_ _." jihoon then bent down to look at the sky through the telescope. he had a little smile on his lips and soonyoung, once again, stared at the boy._

i also like his smile. _he thought this time_ , a lot.

_"don't you just love the stars." jihoon sighed, standing up, so he could face soonyoung now._

_soonyoung, still in a trance, nodded._

_"i like the stars so much—_

_no, i think i love them."_

_"yeah?" jihoon smiled._

_"yeah." soonyoung nodded, his lips parted as he stared at the smaller boy in front of him, looking so beautiful with his face illuminated by the soft phone light, "i love you."_

_"i love the stars, too,_ _hoshi_ _."_

_and soonyoung, a day after, learned that_ _hoshi_ _was the japanese word for star._

  
_**please, please, look away.** _

_**you're hurting yourself. please.** _

_"what are you painting?" soonyoung hopped onto his own bed, his head hanging on the edge as he stared at jihoon upside down._

wow, _he thought_ , i never know someone could still look as beautiful as this, even if he's not standing upright.

_"i don't know. im starting to hate my art class." jihoon groaned before throwing his dirty brush on the floor, splattering the floor with pink paint and dropping his exhausted body on the bed beside soonyoung._

_"hey, stop making a mess on the floor." soonyoung scolded._

_jihoon pouted, "you'll clean it for me, anyway."_

_soonyoung just rolled his eyes, knowing damn right that jihoon could blow up his little apartment room and he'll clean it for him while whistling to a happy tune like the good, stupid boyfriend that he was. he liked it though, so he stretched his hand, and dipped his finger in the blue acrylic paint on the floor and_ _bopped_ _jihoon's nose with it._

_"should i clean that, too?" he smirked._

_"you. did. not." jihoon glared at him._

_"oh, hell, yes, i did, prince jihoon."_

_"you challenged me, peasant. the battle is on!"_

_so the afternoon that was supposed to be consumed_ _by_ _jihoon's last project in art class was spent making a mess on the floor, on the wall, on the bed, and on each other. their afternoon was filled with laughters, giggles, and squeals, love painting their universe in a pinkish hue as the stars danced around them._

_one moment, when the two had ceased fire with launching paint bombs on each other, soonyoung took a moment to admire jihoon while he was talking to his father on the phone. his milky skin was glowing, and he was like a star of his own. with the colors blue, violet and black messily scattered over his skin, soonyoung thought of the infinite possibilities in the universe, and he desired one infinite of his own._

_jihoon. jihoon was a universe. soonyoung prayed for jihoon to be his infinity._

_as the night came and jihoon was scolded by his father for staying out that late, they spent their last minutes of the day together by staring at each other, swimming in each other's universes, and drowning in them._

_jihoon remembered what his art teacher had said, there could be an infinite possibilities of the subjects his students could choose from, but only one would be chosen to be painted with a swirl of beautiful colours on a plain white canvas. they had to choose carefully which to paint._

_jihoon had wondered, what would he choose?_

_hoshi_ _. stars. the universe._

_he thought of one person._

_soonyoung._

_so he painted the universe, with soonyoung as_ _hin_ _inspiration._

_both of them were universes of their own, just like the rest of us. they were just lucky enough to get the chance of finding each other in a world of infinite possibilities._

_soonyoung realised, at that exact moment, that they were soulmates._

  
_**don't,** _ _**soonyoung** _ _**.** _

_**fall, and you'll get broken. just look away** _ **.**

because it was jihoon. and there was never a time that soonyoung wasn't looking at jihoon.

there was a knock on the window beside soonyoung.

"soonyoung, just _fucking_ get us out of here!" jihoon screamed, his back arching as he did so. his eyes were red, and there was blood on his lips as he bit on them to stop himself from banging his head on the window.

soonyoung snapped, and out of instinct, he hardly stepped on the gas pedal, sending the both of them towards a journey that would explore the infinities that the universe was kind enough to lend them.

although in the end, they still had to return the infinities back to the universe.

off to the heart of jeju they go.

* * *


	12. 𝖈𝖆𝖘𝖘𝖎𝖔𝖕𝖊𝖎𝖆

_i'd tell the stars about you,_   
_but then, they'll get_ _jealous_

* * *

  
soonyoung and jihoon drove for what felt like an eternity, both were silent as they looked for a little cafe or restaurant to eat at. the sun was already on it's peak, it's shining glory was out for the whole town to bask in under.

they kept their gazes straight ahead, no one dared to look at the other, no one dared to cut through the thick atmosphere that separated them. after getting away from the workers of the pier, jihoon had fallen asleep through the pain. it was hard, but jihoon couldn't fight it when he passed out because he couldn't scream anymore. soonyoung didn't look at him once.

he hated it. jihoon hated that soonyoung refused to look at him, but jihoon was also thankful for it.

seeing him in that state would put the older in the same state as he, and the thought of both of them falling down, down, down into the black hole of despair pained jihoon more. he didn't want soonyoung to suffer with him. if he could, he'd take all of the pain for himself, leaving none for his lover aside from happiness and wonder. he wanted soonyoung to be happy, because jihoon loves him, but being with him would put him through so much pain.

two universes overlapping could cause destruction to it's planets, comets and asteroids. if only jihoon could only stir his universe away from soonyoung, then he would do it. but they were so deep into each other that they can't be separated anymore. so they suffer.

they suffer but because they are together, they seemed stronger. and yet, as the time passed by and the harbinger of their universe collapsing started to show itself, they suffer more, even silently.

soonyoung wondered if some stars burn out. soonyoung wondered if stars die, too. soonyoung wondered if infinities exist within the stars.

soonyoung wondered for a while, fooling himself into thinking that he was alone. that he was a space explorer swimming in his ocean of stars and tears. maybe. maybe, he was. but he didn't want to be one, because he had his star right there, in his passenger seat, yet he couldn't force himself to be happy.

someday, the fallen star he had caught in his hand would return to heaven, and there was nothing he could do to stop that. he had already realised this since a long time ago, but he didn't know that the star burning out would also set him ablaze. he didn't know that the process would be as painful as he was feeling inside his chest right then. he felt like his own heart was burning, and that it was slowly, slowly consuming his entire body, setting him on fire.

soonyoung didn't know it would be as painful as this.

he subtly wiped the tear that had escaped down to his cheeks at the thought.

if there's only one thing he could do for jihoon...

even one thing...

and then he remembered the black leather journal and the list and jihoon's grin when he showed it to soonyoung.

they had managed to cross out two of the things in the bucket list, and there were still five more.

soonyoung, with a newfound determination, pulled over at the cafe he had seen. they both got out of the car in silence, but soonyoung made up for it by going over jihoon's side and engulfing the younger's soft hands with his own.

what both of them had failed to notice was that day after day, as the moon and the sun ran after each other up in the sky, as the stars of their universes started to burn out, the silence between them that was once filled with laughters and playful bickerings and confessions of love, was stretching and stretching into a black hole of broken hearts and forgotten promise.

* * *

  
_"soonyoung?"_

"hi, hyung. it's been a long time, isn't it?"

_"god, yes! we haven't seen each other for like... was it four years?"_

"... yes. four long years. how are you and the others?"

_"gosh, this is unbelievable, why haven't you and jihoon called?"_

"... haha, yes, uhm, sorry. sorry about that, we just... i don't know. uh, i mean after that thing in the cafe--"

_"oh yeah, right, i almost forgot. that damn rivalry between the lees and the_ _chois_ _. ugh."_

"... so how are all of you?"

_"we're doing good. and soonyoung?"_

"... hmm?"

_"we heard about what happened to jihoon last year. i--i hope he's okay. we've been trying to communicate with the both of you but..."_

"..."

_"but you always ignored our calls. so..."_

"... i'm sorry."

_"no, no, no, it's okay. we understand. so you and jihoon...?"_

"we're still together, hyung, if that's what you're asking but... he--jihoon... he's not---"

_"..."_

"he's not... he's not g-getting better."

_"oh my god. soonyoung..."_

"..."

_"i'm so sorry... i--i... soonyoung..."_

"... i-it's okay, hyung--really. haha. sorry you have to hear me crying over the phone... i just-- i can't---"

_"no, no, soonyoung, it's alright... it's fine. just... just tell me how can i help you... we--- all of us had been looking forward to seeing you two again..."_

"... thank you, hyung. right now, we are at a cafe in jeju... and hyung if you all could make time then maybe....

_maybe..._

_maybe_.

* * *

  
they stayed at the cafe for an hour. soonyoung who was getting more and more anxious as they wait, watched as the cafe started getting busier and busier every minute. he sighed, they would have to plan on how they are going stay at jeju. soonyoung took out his phone, searching for a hotel they could stay at when he saw a message from jeonghan.

affirmative.

jihoon watched as soonyoung stifle a smile after reading something from his phone. he looked out the glass wall of the cafe, watching the passersby as he silently thought to himself, humming to a song that the cafe was playing. jihoon sat silently infront of him, listening, but not really because his mind was filled with soonyoung.

soonyoung's smiles, soonyoung's slanted eyes, soonyoung's voice... everything about him was magical and wonderful.

then the older's phone made a sound again, breaking soonyoung's train of thoughts. jihoon wondered who could be messaging the older, and what could be making him smile like that even when jihoon was just sitting across him. a part of jihoon was jealous, but he knew that whoever it was, he'd thank them because soonyoung's smiles weighed more.

especially now that jihoon couldn't make the older do it.

the soft strands of his hair poke him in the eyes, and soonyoung scratched it, before going back to typing furiously on his phone. jihoon watched like a hawk, not wanting anything but to kiss the older and tell him that he loves him to the stars and back. all he wanted to do was hold him in his arms, and they could both drift into their fantasy of infinities again, under the thousand twinkling stars that gazed back at them. he wanted to grab at the stars in front of him, beautiful, beautiful stars that would surely burn a hole in his hand, but it didn't matter.

jihoon loves the stars. no matter how painful it may be.

jihoon, unconsciously reached out a hand, fixing soonyoung's bangs that had gotten into his eyes. soonyoung, instinctively looked at the younger, and for the first time since jihoon's outburts, their eyes met.

fireworks exploded, colours splashing their little world, soft little music played through the speaker, their hearts... finally, their hearts were in sync with each other again.

soonyoung smiled, his lips forming into a beautiful curved line as his eyes were reduced into upturned slits. jihoon smiled back, hearing both of their heartbeats, seeing colours in his world of gray again.

"i love you." soonyoung had confessed, raw and breathless, reaching his hand across the table.

"i love you, too." jihoon replied, taking soonyoung's hand in his, intertwining their fingers.

for eternity.

for infinity.

for forever.

and their tables were filled, once again filled with silence, but it was now of love and happiness, speaking through their love-filled hazy eyes and their subtle yet genuine acts; the two boys who had lost their way as they explored their own universes, had yet found a way towards each other again.

\-----& ·.·°•★•°·.· &\-----

  
the hotel room soonyoung booked the night for was simple yet elegant. it wasn't that big and luxurious for they had to be tight with their limited resources, but it was still beautiful enough to make jihoon's jaws drop in awe.

they were at the 17th floor, and the view from the glass wall was amazing. it looked over the busy streets of jeju, and if you squint you could even see the beach at a far distance. jihoon rested his palms on the glass, and he looked down. the world was busy there.

jihoon liked it because he could pretend that he was wasn't a part of the world. that he and soonyoung were in a universe that was meant for only the two of them. for jihoon and his star to exist peacefully erstwhile.

suddenly a pair of arms snaked around jihoon's waist, warmth seeping into him as his boyfriend pressed his chest to his back. jihoon rested his palms on soonyoung's hand.

and for a while, they stayed like that.

when the night came, jihoon and soonyoung drove to the beach. stopping by at the grocery shortly for a few chips and a bottle of wine. jihoon chuckled, remembering that the older couldn't take a single drop of alcohol without him kissing everyone else in the room (he had witnessed the older's lowest point in his life when he started making out with a dog and a lamp post.) and losing his shit after.

"are you sure about that? you know i won't get jealous if you start lapping at the sand on the beach."

soonyoung pouted, "it would be romantic."

"yeah, if only the sand could kiss back."

soonyoung then exhaled, shaking his head because no one could win against jihoon when it comes to his remarks. he opened the door of the passenger seat of their pick-up for jihoon, and then went to the driver's side.

"just so you know, i wouldn't drink. i have to get you home safely." soonyoung muttered. jihoon just hummed, the smirk on his face disbelieving as soonyoung stepped on the gas pedal.

it was soonyoung's fourth glass of wine and jihoon couldn't help but coo at the older's red face. he started licking the wine glass making jihoon laugh. he took it from the older, hiding the glass behind his back.

they sat on a picnic blanket at the beach, the stars their only company. that side of the beach they were at was deserted for it was closer to the edge, a few meters from them was the mountain of jeju. at this thought, jihoon looked up, trying to see the peak of the mountain and wondered how it would feel like to stare at the stars from there.

"...jihoon." soonyoung called.

jihoon glanced at him, noting that he slightly wavered as he stood.

"what?"

"dance with me."

jihoon laughed despite the seriousness on soonyoung's face. he couldn't even stand properly on his two feet.

"jihoon, please?"

jihoon started shaking his head, then when he stared at soonyoung's face, the man's pouty lips that glistened under the moonlight, and his eyes clouded because of the alcohol in his system made him seem ethereal. in a trance, jihoon nodded.

soonyoung took out his phone happily, scrolling through spotify, before a beautiful melody filled their silent night under the twinkling stars. jihoon stood up, and soonyoung pulled him closer until there were no space left between them. jihoon gasped at the sudden warmth of soonyoung. he stared, wide eyed, at soonyoung's face, the proximity of their faces were enough to feel each other's breath on their lips.

soonyoung's face moved closer, and jihoon closed his eyes, waiting for a kiss. but it didn't come, and instead, soonyoung just pressed their foreheads together. the sweet smell of wine from soonyoung's lips made jihoon's knees weak. but the older was holding to him tightly that he didn't worry about slipping.

jihoon didn't open his eyes even when soonyoung started to move their bodies along the music. he breathed in soonyoung's sweet smell, and he basked in it. he wanted to taste his lips and have it pressed on his own for eternity. he wanted soonyoung's taste to linger on his tongue, so he doesn't forget him, so he doesn't let go of him.

jihoon doesn't want to slip from soonyoung's arms. because he felt like if he does, he would never find his way into their confinement again.

when their lips finally brushed, like the sound of the waves brushing the surface of the beach, like the night sky meeting the ocean in the horizon, like the wind rustling the awaiting leaves, jihoon's breath got caught up in his throat, with his heart beating in sync with soonyoung's, he felt fireworks inside his system, exploding to a swirl of colours that painted his night sky, kissing the stars.

it was soft, simple, and short. soonyoung just hovered his lips above jihoon's, softly brushing it with his own, inhaling their breaths, sharing one soul for a moment.

soonyoung then pulled away, making jihoon open his clouded eyes, pleading for something more. soonyoung then slowly got on his right knee, his eyes seeking jihoon's and pulled a small velvet box from his pocket.

jihoon's eyes widened, tears gathering up at the corner as he started to realise what soonyoung was going to do.

"... jihoon, my love," soonyoung had uttered, letting the sound of the waves crashing the shore and the soft sound of the music playing in the background drone it out to a loving whisper,

"please let me be the only star in your universe."

he opened the box to reveal a beautiful ring adorned with little silver stars, twinkling as it reflected the moonlight making jihoon gasp, happy tears cascading down his cheeks. their initials were beautifully engraved on the inside by soonyoung's own handwriting, a swirl of lines and dots that jihoon wouldn't be able to comprehend if he hadn't memorised the older's ugly handwriting since grade school.

in it were the letters and words;

_k.sy & l.jh _   
_for infinities beyond the stars_

the smile on soonyoung's face when jihoon nodded before hiding his face in his palms as he sobbed was one of the most serendipitous the stars had ever seen.

~~⚫⚫⚫~~

**jihoon's**   
**b u c k e t l i s t**

[✓] own a star

_(i have one in my heart and a whole universe wrapped around my ring finger. i love you, my_ _hoshi_ _.)_

* * *


	13. 𝖆𝖗𝖆

_i'm happy for that lone star_   
_he's not so alone anymore_

* * *

one hopeful day, after a night of moans and broken whines of pleasure, after a night of i love you's and breathless name-callings, jihoon and soonyoung woke up with smiles on their faces they wouldn't be able to chase away the whole day, their naked bodies pressed together in wonderful tangled mess of limbs. soonyoung's grin even grew wider when he pulled the younger to their pick-up after they had their breakfast delivered to their room, off to somewhere jihoon would forever be thankful for.

it was dim in the cafe when they entered, only one light was turned on and it was the one at the center. there were also no one in sight. the chairs and tables of the cafe were pushed to the side, leaving only one long table at the center. there were thirteen chairs around the table, and it didn't take long for jihoon to figure out what was happening.

thirteen chairs. memories of his high school days flooded his mind, from annoyingly loud laughters, stupid little banters, to a group of teenagers performing to a song they had self-produced. a picture of thirteen smiling boys drifted through his mind, and then it shattered to little, tiny pieces, each shard showing little memories jihoon had kept in his heart. 

" _seventeen? why seventeen?"_

_a teenage boy with doe eyes and gummy smile answered, "thirteen members, three units, one group. we're seventeen."_

jihoon gasped, looking over at soonyoung who was smiling at him. jihoon couldn't believe it. it was... three, four years since the last time he had seen those boys. he wondered about them frequently, and at night, when everyone is asleep, he'd listen to their songs. he'd dance in his room when his father is not around, or sometimes, he'd just lie in bed, stare at the ceiling and reminisce about them.

and then... suddenly--suddenly, jihoon felt like he was dreaming again.

a soft tune drifted through the air, reaching jihoon, and god knows how jihoon kept his first ever composition for the group close to his heart even after all those years he had tried forgetting about them. jihoon inhaled, before stepping in towards the table, pulling soonyoung with him.

"are they here now? where are they? why is it so dark i can't see---"

"oh shut up, seungkwan! you were the one who came up with the idea of switching the lights off!"

"it was for the drama, you uncultured swine!"

jihoon couldn't help the laugh that tumbled out from his lips. ah, these dorks, really. jihoon shook his head as he called out for the boys to come out from where they were hiding.

"... sigh. i knew this would happen."

one by one, the former members of the group seventeen came out, crowding around soonyoung and jihoon, the couple that disappeared after a little fight between the members 4 years ago. they were all smiling, everyone was curious about the adventures of the two for the past years, for they had known how much of an adventurer the couple was. 

everyone except one who stood at the head of the table, lips stretched into a contented smile.

"... and yes, minghao, we still drive that old pick-up truck." jihoon answered, rolling his eyes at the aforementioned name, but there was a smile resting on his lips.

minghao made a sound of disgust, "god, you're almost as rich as bill gates and you can't buy your boyfriend a nice little, i dont know, porsche? why do you even use that pathetic excuse for a rotting metal?"

"hey!" soonyoung pouted, offended.

jihoon laughed, "two reasons; one, that pathetic excuse for a rotting metal is soonyoung's husband and he still kisses it every night and he would surely break down if it suddenly dies, and two, why haven't i thought of that?"

soonyoung gasped, "you break my heart, ji." 

jihoon just slapped the older at the back of his head, making all of them laugh. they had missed jihoon's little acts of love (read: abuse) towards his boyfriend. they bicker a lot, but the boys had grown to admire their little fights, knowing that at the end of the day, the two would lay at the back of soonyoung's pick-up truck and watch the stars, while whispering sweet confessions of love and infinities.

it has always been soonyoung, jihoon, their pick-up truck ever since the beginning of their little circle.

jeonghan, the one who had convince the others to travel to jeju at one in the morning was more than delighted to see all of his friends finally be reunited again. he could already see mingyu's virtual tail wagging in excitement, and he watched as the quiet and reserved wonwoo joined in at the teasing of junhui and minghao. seungkwan interrogated soonyoung and jihoon, asking about the places they had travelled to, while hansol shook his head at his hyung's nosy self. jisoo had his arm around jeonghan's shoulder, smiling and laughing along while he listened to chan and seokmin's recollection of their most hilarious moments together.

jeonghan was happy because he knew that their friendship wouldn't be as strong as it was without jihoon's savage comebacks and soonyoung's ridiculously funny antics. but then he counted, and one was missing. the little crowd was only composed of twelve people, including himself, and he realised that seungcheol wasn't there in their circle.

he looked back to see seungcheol watching them with a little smile on his lips, and jeonghan remembered that one fight four years ago.

". _.. soonyoung, you know i'd never do that." seungcheol reasoned out sincerely, seated calmly at the head of the table._ _infront_ _of him was soonyoung who was looking at his lap, a hard stare that was so unusual to see on him was present on his face, gnawing silently at the thick atmosphere that filled the table of twelve boys._

_"i know,_ _hyung_ _. it's just that... i'm sorry." soonyoung shook his head, unable to find the words he could say, "i'm---"_

_"i'm the one who should apologise. i mean," seungcheol looked across the table to meet_ _jeonghan's_ _eyes, the latter smiling at him to reassure him that it was okay, "i liked jihoon for a while, but now, i'm just happy for the both of you."_

_soonyoung nodded and he sighed, finally dropping the hard stare and looking at seungcheol with a calmer expression. the boys at the rest of the table exhaled in relief._

_"yeah, i know. that was really stupid of me for telling you off. i just---with jihoon, i just get anxious a lot because he's just... so perfect that sometimes i think i don't deserve him..."_

_jeonghan patted soonyoung's shoulder, making the younger look at him._

" _jihoon loves you. jihoon loves you so much because you are the only star in his universe." jeonghan reassured, thinking of the day jihoon had told him the exact thing when they were alone at the studio to record._

" **hoshi** **is the only star in my universe..."**

_soonyoung smiled, "yeah, okay. thank you,_ _hyung_ _."_

_"okay, since our parents had already resolved the issue," seokmin stated in a loud voice, gesturing towards jeonghan and_ _seungcheol_ _who shook their head in amusement and added, "group hug for our dear_ _soonyoungie_ _!"_

_they all got up and crowded around soonyoung who had screamed for help,but they all just laughed as they crushed the boy with the slanted eyes inside their warm group hug._

_they were still laughing when a furious jihoon arrived and took a hold of_ _soonyoung's_ _arm tightly._

_"jihoon, what are you doing?" soonyoung had asked, confused. he had left jihoon for a while because he had to talk to his father, but he didn't expect him to be this angry._

_"let's go, soonyoung." he said through gritted teeth._

_"jihoon, is there a problem?" seungcheol butted in, after seeing soonyoung yelping at the pain of jihoon's harsh hold._

_jihoon looked at him with harsh eyes, burning in anger at a reason seungcheol didn't know about. jihoon took a step closer to seungcheol, his steps calculated and dangerous._ _although they had known that jihoon get irritated a lot and would not hesitate to tell the others off if he they annoy him, their usual light-hearted bickerings couldn't compare to the_ _viscious_ _look on the_ _smaller's_ _face. seungcheol gaped._

_it wasn't like jihoon at all. and it scared him._

_"babe, why are you---" soonyoung tried pulling jihoon away from seungcheol but jihoon just tightened his grip on his boyfriend's arm, nails digging into his skin, making soonyoung yelp in pain as the harsh hold started drawing little_ _droplest_ _of crimson on his skin._

_"your father and his ungratefulness is the problem!" jihoon_ _spoke through greeted teeth, anger coming off him like vapor._

_seungcheol wasn't angry. he was hurt._

_"jihoon, i-i don't know what..." he trailed off, glancing at their other friends who gaped at them silently. he met_ _jeonghan's_ _eyes again and he gestured to soonyoung. jeonghan then nodded at him, before gesturing towards the other to not interfere. he walked to the couple, resting a comforting hand on jihoon's tight grip on his boyfriend._

_jihoon snapped his head at jeonghan, but the latter just stared at him comfortingly._

_"...jihoonie, you're hurting him."_

  
_jihoon then suddenly retracted his hand from soonyoung's arms, a horrified look settling on his face as he realised what he had done. he took a few steps back from soonyoung, his back bumping onto_ _seungcheol's_ _chest, and it would have thrown him off balance but the older was quick enough to steady him on his feet._

_"... i'm sorry." jihoon croaked out, and before seungcheol and jeonghan could stop him, he had run off far from there, the door of the cafe slamming shut before anyone could process what was happening._

_soonyoung, as fast as a lightning bolted right after jihoon, worry and fear carved deep into his heart._

_the rest of the boys stood frozen inside the cafe, processing in their minds what has happened._

_why was jihoon angry? and why at seungcheol? what happened? was it about seungcheol and soonyoung's once rivalry over jihoon? was it about_ _seungcheol's_ _past feelings even if he already claimed to have moved on? but wasn't it a little shallow for jihoon to lose himself over?_

_no one knows why, so they kept silent._

_the ringing of_ _seungcheol's_ _phone snapped them from their thinking, with the boy fidgeting around in his pocket for his phone. it was his dad, and he wondered why he was calling when he was supposed to be in the middle of a meeting._

_"dad, is everything ok---"_

_"son, we just won a deal over the lees! i am so happy!"_

_seungcheol gasped._

_so that was the reason._

_"you and your ungrateful father is the problem!"_

_but that doesn't explain why jihoon was seething in anger. he wasn't even the least interested in their family's business._

_"...dad, why did you go against the lees?"_

_"i didn't. that deal would have made them suffer anyways, but knowing_ _donghoon_ _, he would have still taken it because he was prideful like that," his dad chuckled, "and it was an opportunity for us. i can marry you off to their family if we can level up to their riches. if we're powerful enough,_ _donghoon_ _would be elated to have you as his son's husband._

_he would give jihoon to you, son, isn't that what you wanted?"_

_seungcheol groaned in frustration, starting to pace around as he ruffled his hair. jeonghan eyed him in worry, but seungcheol just shook his head at him._

" _dad, that is the last thing i wanted. i dont like jihoon that way anymore and he," seungcheol gulped, "he already has a boyfriend_!"

_the boys were starting to piece the informations together, wondering if the little drama within their group would be the reason for it to fall apart. it just started with a friendly rivalry between seungcheol and soonyoung, and they thought that it was nothing big, because their friendship was way stronger. but now, they were not sure anymore._

_seungcheol ended the phone call, dropping his emotionally and mentally tired body on the chair that was closest to him. the boys immediately came to his side, their presence giving a huge wave of comfort to seungcheol._

_jeonghan then spoke in a worried voice._

_"i... i got a text from soonyoung,"_ _jeonghan's_ _voice wavered and his eyelids twitched, as if the next words he was about to say would physically hurt them,_

_"soonyoung and jihoon... they're quitting the band."_

_and it did._

jeonghan cleared his throat proudly, making twelve pairs of eyes fall on him. he, not so subtly, gestured towards seungcheol that looked like a deer caught in the headlights at all the sudden attention. he gestured a slit-throat motion at jeonghan and the latter just chuckled in amusement.

"uhm, hi." seungcheol greeted the couple awkwardly, his gaze lingering on jihoon, seeing that a lot of things had changed in the younger.

he was... less alive. it hurt seungcheol.

he had always watched jihoon from afar, ever since his parents brought him to that mansion when he was nine. he had always noted how jihoon's lips quirk in a smirk when he was amused or when his nose crinkle in disgust when he was annoyed. of how pink his lips were and how alive his beautiful eyes that seemed to hold so many emotions that he couldn't let out.

now, jihoon was a pale boy who had chapped lips and hollow cheeks, but he still had the same strong gaze on him that seungcheol admired.

he had moved on, but the leftover feelings he had linger at the back of his mind, only resurfacing everytime seungcheol feels vulnerable. first love never dies after all.

"... hyung." jihoon breathed, a small smile resting on his lips, his eyes brimming with unshed tears he had kept for so long, "i have missed you and your stupid smile," everyone stifled a chuckle, with seungkwan's being the loudest.

and in a whisper of every raw emotions jihoon had decided to let out, an " _i'm sorry."_ tumbled out from his lips, the tears he had been holding back finally fell with his breath, and seungcheol nodded.

he went to the younger with light footsteps, each one getting longer and faster as he finally realised second by second, memories by memories, how much he longed for his best friend more than anything. he engulfed jihoon in a tight hug, making the younger sob in his chest and ruin his favourite shirt.

but it was okay.

everyone sighed in relief.

"this calls for a," soonyoung started, glancing at both seungkwan and seokmin to finish his sentence, their expressions already hilarious enough for the rest of the boys to laugh out; the three of them doing a ridiculous dance, before both seungkwan and seokmin screeched, "gROUP HUG!"

everyone jumped into jihoon and seungcheol's space, laughing and pressing their faces together. jihoon couldn't help but laugh, as he struggled to move in the middle of the circle of tangled limbs his friends had formed.

two boys stared at jihoon with eyes full of haze, dizzying them as their hearts kicked into overdrive; the universe of love, wonder and everything in between. one was filled with pride and love, the other with satisfaction and relief. but jihoon only looked back to one.

"we're crossing two items in your bucket list."

~~⚫⚫⚫~~

**jihoon's**   
**b u c k e t l i s t**

[✓] reunite with seventeen  
[✓] forgive, be forgiven

_[thank you, soonyoung.]_

* * *


	14. 𝖈𝖔𝖗𝖔𝖓𝖆 𝖆𝖚𝖘𝖙𝖗𝖆𝖑𝖎𝖘

_"mother, look!_   
_i caught a star,"_   
_said the boy as he held my hand._

* * *

  
the sun had already sunken beneath the horizon, the sky blossoming in pink and orange, when thirteen loud boys pooled out of the cafe, each one having a smile on their lips.

"i scored us a gig!"

the boys hollered and yelled, earning a few judging stares from the passersby. they all crowded around seungkwan who was talking to someone on the phone, some were pressing their ears onto the other side of the device, while the others just waited patiently for what the boy has to say.

"my uncle owns a resto-bar a few blocks from where my parent's ancestral house is. he said his last performer for the night had backed out because of a toothache---well, seems pathetic but believe me, toothaches can end your life--- and he said that we could perform in there!" seungkwan excitedly gushed; and with the others joining in the talks, suddenly, their little bubble was filled with buzzes of excitement.

soonyoung watched as jihoon's eyes twinkled in excitement, knowing that the younger hadn't performed for so long. he knew why jihoon had been so angry at seungcheol that day four years ago. his dad had banned him from indulging his self to music again, from playing his piano, guitar and violin, to singing and dancing. his dad wanted for him to focus on their business, and he also did it in order to keep jihoon away from seungcheol.

when jihoon had told soonyoung that he would quit the band, not because he wanted to, or because he was angry at seungcheol, but because he didn't want his father to crush the little business seungcheol's father had started, he knew that there was nothing he could do but to quit as well. it was naive and reckless because there can be a lot of option if they only thought things thoroughly, but soonyoung had been caught up within the anguish jihoon had in his eyes that he just gulped and blurted out the things that had came first to mind.

now, he was just thankful that everything seems to be fixing itself before them.

although nothing can go as perfectly as that.

he saw how jihoon suddenly winced, his stance wavering subtly that no one noticed except soonyoung. he immediately came to jihoon's aid, wrapping his arms around the younger's waist.

"are you okay?" soonyoung whispered into jihoon's ear in worry.

jihoon then glanced at him, nodding as he smiled, but it was a smile that didn't reach his eyes. soonyoung took note of how tired he looked, and how his pale lips were chapped. jihoon then raised his hand, fixing soonyoung's bangs and the ring on his finger glinted, catching seungkwan's attention that stood across him.

"oh my god, is that an engagement ring?!" seungkwan exclaimed, his hands flying to cover his lips as he gasped dramatically.

"it's gorgeous, fuck," minghao had uttered breathlessly, whispering, "i want one."

jeonghand cooed, "aw, two of my babies are getting married."

"hyung, we're not your babies anymore! most of us are already over 22!"

"what did you say, channie, hmm?" jeonghan smiled dangerously, making chan gulp as he winced. jeonghan raised his eyebrows, daring the youngest to defy his words again, "whose baby are you?"

"ah, hyung, really?"

jeonghan stared at him.

"... jeonghan hyung's baby." chan had whispered in defeat, making the others holler in laughter.

jeonghan's smile was smug, "until when?"

"until i'm thirty."

"are you thirty now?"

"... no."

"then you are still my baby. all of you."

seokmin laughed, "yep, we are all his babies."

everyone groaned.

"seokmin, whose fool are you?"

"jeonghan hyung's fool." seokmin smiled brightly, being the only one who loved jeonghan's motherly possessiveness over them. jeonghan beamed at him and drew him in a hug, the others cooing at them while chan muttered something that suspiciously sounded like ' _why didn't he hug me_ ' under his breath.

seungcheol droned out from the conversation, his stare was on jihoon's finger and the beautiful ring around it. slowly, his lips stretched into a smile. but it disappeared when he noticed the worried look on soonyoung's face. when they met eyes, soonyoung shook his head at him and gestured towards jihoon, who was leaning on soonyoung's chest, panting.

seungcheol didn't want to ruin their fun, but he couldn't risk the younger's health for just a performance.

"uhm guys, i think... i think it's time to go home." seungcheol spoke, watching as the smiles on his friends' faces fell.

"but..." hansol had started but one look from seungcheol and he immediately shut his lips close. seungkwan patted his back to comfort him.

"we're all tired from the long trip. i think we should rest first." seungcheol had reasoned out.

jeonghan stayed silent, just watching seungcheol. the older stared back at him, and they talked through their stares, having memorised each other's pattern of thoughts.

"... seungcheol, if it's about me then don't worry. i can handle a short performance." jihoon walked a few steps to seungcheol, his eyes brighter than the stars that was starting to appear one by one on the night sky.

"babe, please. let 's just go home now. we can always make time for the performance once you're better." soonyoung held jihoon's arms, turning him around so they can look at each other's eyes.

"soonyoung..." jihoon breathed, his eyes holding so many emotions that soonyoung couldn't give name to. he felt his heartbeat quicken inside his chest and he already knew what was to come.

"please let me have this." tears had started pooling at the corner of jihoon's eyes and soonyoung heard his heart shattering inside his chest. "just this once, love,

please let me pretend that everything's gonna be okay."

and right then, even without knowing it, soonyoung had bobbed his head. that was what jihoon does to him, one stare into his eyes and he'll be kissing the path the younger would walk on. jihoon had him wrapped around his fingers, and right then, soonyoung didn't know if it was good or bad for the both of them. he didn't even care, right then, his priority was to give jihoon everything that he could give.

jihoon then turned around to look at seungcheol who was still hesitant at letting him. the younger stared at the older's doe eyes, determination and longing filling seungcheol's heart in an instance and just like soonyoung, he remained spellbound to jihoon's captivating stares.

"well then, what jihoon wants, jihoon gets." jeonghan whistled, before engulfing the smallest of them in a tight hug, "because we're gonna give it to you. we want you to be happy."

"thank you, hyung."

chan had sighed, "why am i not getting any hugs."

all of them laughed, teasing the youngest who was sulking silently as they drove in separate cars toward their first gig after four years. their short trip was filled with laughters and happiness that everyone, including jihoon, had forgotten everything about his condition for a moment. 

their first gig had surely rekindled their youthful love for music that they thought they had lost, making their hearts full with buzzing excitement as they started practicing their song loud enough for the stars to hear. jihoon sang beautifully as always, leaving no doubt for their gig's success.

right, their first gig after four long years. who would've thought it would be the last?

* * *

"i feel nervous... like," jihoon then turned his head towards soonyoung who was staring intently at him, "like how i felt when i first stood on that stage in fourth grade. you remember, right?"

soonyoung turned his head towards the stage, the first performer for the day finally setting his instruments up. they would be performing next, and they had decided to sing _smile flower_ , for the stage was too small for them to dance on. the two of them stood away from their friends, out in the balcony, where they could hear the crickets sing while the stars watch them from afar. the distant sound of the performer's voice as he started to sing stuffed through the air.

  
soonyoung smiled at the younger, his eyes had disappeared into slanted slits, reminding jihoon of the 10 hour 10 minute position of the hands of the clock. he smiled, distracting himself with soonyoung's district facial features.

"when you first performed _simple_? of course i remember, i was the one who cleaned up your mess when you puked your innards out at the backstage," soonyoung laughed heartily at the memory, before his face crumpled in disgust, "seriously, what did you eat for breakfast that day?"

"soonyoung..." jihoon groaned, annoyed.

"oh my god, i remember my suffering like it only happened yesterday. it smelled so horrible i thought you were actually eating trash---"

"the only trash i will ever eat is you, dumbass."

soonyoung gasped, his eyes widening as he clutched his chest in surprise. jihoon was the same, shocked at his own words. though he didn't mean it that way, he knew that the older would forever tease him about it and well... the thought was too kinky for jihoon's heart to handle. they both flushed furiously, their faces turning crimson as soonyoung awkwardly cough.

"i didnt know you were into that," soonyoung said in between coughs, "you could have told me the other night so that we---"

"shut up!" jihoon buried his face in his hand, making soonyoung chuckle in amusement.

"hey," soonyoung pryed jihoon's hands away from his face, "look at me, ji."

"i don't want to see your ugly face."

"you were not saying that the other night. what were you saying again? 'oh hoshi, please, look at me, _hngg_ i want to see your---"

"stop!!!"

soonyoung laughed, encaging the smaller in a bear hug when he couldn't get jihoon to look at him. he kissed jihoon's head softly, inhaling his scent. he rocked their bodies side to side, with jihoon still pressing his face onto his palms. soonyoung felt jihoon's body muscle slowly relaxing into his hug, then he felt the smaller's arms finally wrapping around his waist.

"are you okay, now? still nervous?" soonyoung had whispered into jihoon's ears.

"not anymore. just like how you calmed me down before."

"still works wonders, eh?" soonyoung grinned, "one hug from me after distracting you and then you're ready to hit high notes with your guitar."

"more like ready to hit mingyu's head with my guitar."

"hyung!" the couple looked at mingyu who was staring at them with wide eyes, he sputtered, "i just came to tell you that we're about to start and you're already wanting to hit me?!"

mingyu then pouted, before marching away from the two. soonyoung chuckled, pulling away from the younger.

"shall we?"

there was a couch on the stage, and the lights were a bit dim. jihoon was seated at the middle of the couch, soonyoung stood at the side. when seungcheol started singing, his voice raw and sincere, jihoon had looked up to him and then to the other members, noting that they were more than delighted to be there on the stage with him. he realised that this was what they needed, a reminder of the youthful souls they used to be.

when jihoon had written the song, he was thinking about his friends, and how he did not want to be away from them. but the thought of their time together coming to an end was always lounging at the back of his head. he had always feared the ending of everything.

when it was finally his turn to sing, he closed his eyes and poured his heart out to the world, hoping that it would reach the stars and maybe, grant his heart's wish.

  
it was perfect. everything was perfect. jihoon couldn't wish for anything more. he smiled when the last chorus came, all of their voices mixing together to create a perfect harmony jihoon himself was the one who arranged. a tear had escaped his left eye, wetting his lips and he realised how thirsty he's gotten. their voces faded out at the end, as the lights started to get brighter. jihoon had heard the loud applause of the audience and he closed his eyes because the lights were too bright that he couldn't see anything anymore.

his head suddenly started aching at the loud noise, and he still felt like he was staring at the sun even if his eyelids were already closed.

he tried asking for help, but he couldn't speak because his throat was dry. he clawed at his throat, groaning before he blindly reached for soonyoung's hand, unaware that soonyoung was already kneeling infront of him, his face contorted into a worried frown.

"ji, baby, oh my god. are you okay?"

"to the hospital, quick!"

\---were the last thing he heard before he passed out.

* * *

  
jihoon had felt like he had participated in a 100km marathon to the gym and then did a hardcore workout upon reaching it. he felt so heavy, that it seemed like he was sinking and sinking towards the deeper part of the ocean but he wasn't drowning. the pressure was just squeezing his brain until it became a mush of gooey substance that was burning his head from inside out. it was painful and he couldn't breathe,

but at least he was seeing stars. beneath his eyelids were dancing spots of lights that has too many colours. jihoon couldn't comprehend a thing.

but he could hear a few things.

". _.. jihoon..."_

_"...go home..."_

_"...getting worse..."_

_"...needs the best doctor..."_

_"... back to seoul..."_

_"... mrs. lee..."_

  
jihoon then pushed through the surface, feeling a gush of air on his face as he struggled. he was finally able to slowly lift his eyelids even if it felt like he was lifting a hundred pound dumbbell.

at first, all he could see was white, and then it started fading into a blur of colours, his sight focusing on the ceiling infront of him.

"jihoon?"

he blinked.

"jihoon, do you hear me?"

 _soonyoung_. it was soonyoung. jihoon was sure of it.

"jihoon, love, please," there was a long exhale, followed by a sob.

"please, baby..." his voice had sounded so broken, and jihoon wondered why. why was soonyoung crying? why does he feel his own tears traveling down to the side of his cheeks? why can't he move? why does his brain felt like it had this weird hazy cloud over it? what is happening?

"jihoon, i--i love you so much... please come back to me..."

jihoon turned his head slowly, his eyes meeting the sight of a wrecked soonyoung. his hair was a mess and there were dark bags under his eyes. he also looked like he hadn't shaven for a week. he wondered if it will tickle him once soonyoung kisses him again.

"jihoon, baby, are you okay now? do i---do i need to call the doctor? i probably should, oh my god, what do i do---"

"... young." jihoon had managed to croak out.

soonyoung's eyes widened, wiping his tears before leaning closer.

"... soon... y-younnng..."

soonyoung's eyes brightened, his jaws dropping. then he pulled at the phone beside him and pleaded for the doctors to come to their room.

"... love y-you."

soonyoung froze, feeling his heart fall to the pit of his stomach. he looked at the younger slowly, tears falling down his face again. he inhaled, before holding jihoon's face with his hands. he leaned closer,

"i love you, too."

and then he brushed his lips softly on jihoon's chapped ones, afraird that he might hurt the younger. all he wwanted to do was kiss him hurriedly and passionately, so that he could get his longing across to jihoon who had worried him too much, but he didn't, because jihoon's body was fragile now and he couldn't do the things he wanted anymore.

it broke him but it was okay, because it was jihoon. he would do anything for jihoon.

he would do anything for his only star.

the door opened and soonyoung immediately pulled away from jihoon.

jihoon's mother came rushing in with the doctors. soonyoung's stance stiffened, glancing away from jihoon in guilt.

"jihoon, my son!" jihoon's mother exclaimed frantically, hugging jihoon and pressing their cheeks together as the doctors checked jihoon's vital signs.

mrs lee tried to talk to jihoon in posh high pitched voice but the boy ignored him. jihoon seeked soonyoung's eyes, trying to know why his mother was there and how she found out. when soonyoung refused to look at him and held his hand instead,

he realised. soonyoung had given him up.

"it's time we go home, son."

* * *


	15. 𝔦𝔫𝔱𝔢𝔯𝔩𝔲𝔡𝔢: 𝖘𝖊𝖒𝖕𝖎𝖙𝖊𝖗𝖓𝖆𝖑

> **_s e m p i t e r n a l_ **   
>  _eternal_
> 
>   
> · . • ° · : · ° • . ·
> 
> _diamonds are shining_   
>  _so are you_
> 
> · . • ° · : · ° • . ·
> 
> the boy with slanted eyes watched as his boyfriend laid sleep on the hospital bed, the doctors and nurses were scurrying around him as they prepared him for a long trip to seoul, as per mrs. lee's wishes.
> 
> the boy with the slanted eyes couldn't do anything. he had already pushed his boyfriend too much, he couldn't risk the younger in any more danger if he still insist on being with the younger. he would do anything for the star boy to get better. if he could, he'd take his illness and make it his own.
> 
> oh how he wished he was the one in the car one year ago when the accident happened.
> 
> a week into his boyfriend's state and he was still not waking up, the boy with the slanted eyes had decided, once and for all, to cease his idiocy. he already knew something like this would happen. he already knew that escaping from their reality would only put his lover to even more danger, but he was a fool to his heart. one look from the smaller would make the boy do anything he would tell him to do.
> 
> he was a fool for his only star. he was a fool for their make-up universe and the comets and asteroids within it. he was a fool for their version of infinities.
> 
> an infinity is something the universe wouldn't give to them. everything about the boy with slanted eyes and his lover were short-lived.
> 
> that's why, the boy had decided. it's either he let his star burn out in his hands, or he send it back to the sky. he chose the latter. he had dialled mrs. lee's number, knowing that the woman is more tolerable than the other parent of his boyfriend. he didn't hate her so much unlike mr. lee, he just wasn't comfortable with her because she was never there for her son.
> 
> she was always out and about, travelling to the ends of the world, leaving her son to the iron hold of her husband.
> 
> "hello?"
> 
> the boy with slanted eyes had remembered how her voice sounded so posh and quirky. like she wasn't a mother that had left her son to die on a cold hospital bed as she travelled across the country to flaunt their wealth. she was a trophy wife, beautiful, smart and sophisticated, but she wasn't a mother.
> 
> when they had personally met when mrs. lee booked an immediate flight to jeju after hearing the news from her son's boyfriend, she only looked at him once, and then slapped him so hard that the sound of it resonated through the deserted hallway. then she went into her son's hospital room like nothing happened.
> 
> the boy with slanted eyes stood frozen to the ground, his eyes brimming with tears at the sting of his left cheek. he was sure that the hit had left an ugly mark on his face, but he thought he deserved it. he was embarrassed of his own actions that he couldn't look anyone in the eye.
> 
> he was stupid for letting his boyfriend fall into the hands of danger. he was so, so stupid. he deserved ten more of mrs. lee's hit and maybe a couple of beating from her husband.
> 
> the boy with the slanted eyes sighed, his gaze lingering on his boyfriend's sleeping face. he wondered what will happen if he suddenly disappeared. he wondered if the younger would look for him, would cry for him, would long for him.
> 
> he wondered if his heart would shatter, like how his own heart did, at the thought of being away.
> 
> but the boy with the slanted eyes was stupid and everything hurt so much and he was also a coward. he wondered if it would be better if he leave.
> 
> stars don't stay on the sky forever after all. they leave after the night.
> 
> he leaned closer, memorising his boyfriend's facial features. his eyes that had bags under it and if it were open, it would have the galaxy in it, his nose that the boy with slanted eyes loved pressing kisses onto, his lips that were chapped and pale but the boy would still kiss, his cheeks that used to be so soft and fluffy, now hollow as his skin hugged his bones tightly.
> 
> tears had started gathering on the corners of the boy's eyes.
> 
> "... hoonie-ah. please be better, hmm?" he whispered, before pressing a light kiss on the boy's lips.
> 
> "please take care of yourself. i want you to be happy. i want you to be better so that we could still spend our infinities together. please do not burn out, my star,"
> 
> tears had started falling down the boy's cheeks until it reached the person underneath him, wetting his boyfriend's face.
> 
> "please live so that i can live too. we still have a lot of places to go, baby. we could go as far as my pathetic excuse for a rotting metal would go. my pick-up would miss you as much as i would if you stay in the bed for too long. please be okay."
> 
> he fixed jihoon's bangs with his trembling hands, his eyes on his boyfriend lovingly as it shed tears.
> 
> "please dont look for me." he wistfully whispered, watching as their overlapping universe started to collapse before them.
> 
> _maybe_... maybe the infinities they wanted werent really meant for them.
> 
> maybe he shouldnt be the star in his boyfriend's universe.
> 
> maybe it was time for him to leave.
> 
> **end of arc 2**   
>  _ephemeral_
> 
> * * *


	16. ₐᵣC ᵢᵢᵢ:  ₑ ₚ ₕ ᵢ ₚ ₕ ₐ ₙ Y

> **non deflagrare omnia astra**  
>  _stars do burn out after all_
> 
> * * *
> 
> the things that makes up the stars
> 
> are swimming in you
> 
> the twinkle appears in your eyes
> 
> the beauty in your words
> 
> the light in your mind
> 
> the dark outside of you
> 
> if only i could hold you
> 
> i would never let go
> 
> but stars do burn out
> 
> they leave after the night  
>    
>    
>    
> 
> 
> so i watch you leave

> for the stars do not twinkle for us.
> 
> * * *


	17. 𝖕𝖎𝖘𝖈𝖊𝖘

_swim with_ _me_   
_"to the stars?"_   
_to the stars._

* * *

the room was silent, save for the low hum of the machine connected to the boy lying helplessly on the bed. he watched as the night lamp beside his bed projected a make-shift night sky on the ceiling. there were stars and planets and little dots, all in blue, violet and pink hue. they were the only sight in the plain white room that was swimming with colors, although they did not compare to the beauty of the real thing. he sighed, the fake stars would do as he was not allowed to come out of his room. not that he can.

the lamp was from soonyoung, in what seemed like a parting gift, jihoon realised now. several days have already passed since jihoon saw his boyfriend. the older was unusually silent and solemn, but he had smiled so beautifully that jihoon thought he was only sad for him. when he was about to leave, he took jihoon's hand and kissed their promise ring softly. jihoon didn't notice the silent teardrop that had escaped soonyoung's eyes, the older wiping it subtly with his hand.

if jihoon had known what soonyoung has in mind, he would still let him leave. 

jihoon turned his head to the side, unable to stare at the stars longer. he only saw soonyoung's face, and as much as he loved staring at those facial features he would press his lips onto, he couldn't bear his heart shattering more.

as much as he adored the older's bravery for finally leaving all the pain to jihoon, 

the little voice at the back of his mind he tried to shut off continued to ask,

_i_ _f you loved me, then why did you leave me?_

fat tears started to fall down jihoon 's left cheek. he didn't wipe them, he let the pillow underneath him soak all the pain and sorrow he shed for his shattered heart. he pressed his cheek onto the pillow, his neck aching a bit but he didn't care. he wanted for someone to hug him, to say that everything will be alright,

to say that they wouldn't leave him no matter what.

because it hurt. everything about soonyoung finally giving up on him hurt a lot. it hurt a lot. he felt like sinking, like the string that was holding him steady finally snapped, leaving him falling down, down, down to the abyss he had known to have been slowly growing inside himself. he felt like he was being pulled into his universe's black hole, because his star had already left him. he hated everything about his universe. about his life. about his stupid, stupid dying body. he hated everything about his stupid, stupid heart, everything about his car accident and his stupid, stupid love. he hated it all.

and yet he couldn't hate soonyoung for leaving him. for saving himself.

because jihoon's impending doom has already shown itself, and he couldn't bear to see soonyoung's heart shatter with him. but letting his only one love save himself hurt a lot, because now jihoon is all alone. with no one to live for, no one to smile with, and no one to tell him that he is loved, that he is needed, that he is beautiful. no one to live for.

he felt like he had died already.

but it was okay. at least soonyoung could save his heart. it was okay. 

it was what jihoon wanted, anyway. for soonyoung to live without pain. for soonyoung to be happy. for soonyoung to be free from that black hole jihoon had in his universe.

it was okay. 

jihoon was okay.

so he swallowed his sob, willed his tears to stop and ignored the screams of his heart. he shut off from everything else and closed his eyes. soonyoung.

_soonyoung, i love you. thank you for letting me go. thank you for hurting me. thank you for saving yourself. i love you._

_i love you._

_i love you._

_hoshi-yah. you're the only star in my universe. for eternity. for infinity. for forever._

_in another infinity, i will make sure to find you._

jihoon then drifted into another long sleep, with tears lingering just behind his close lids, wishing for another chance, another lifetime, another infinity without pain and suffering.

with soonyoung. another infinity with soonyoung, one that will never end with the both of their hearts broken.

jihoon had forgotten that infinities do not exist in their universe.

* * *

"... careful, please. i don't want my only son hurting."

jihoon woke up to the sound of his mother giving out orders in a hushed voice. everything was a white blur at first, and his lids felt heavy and tired because of his crying the other night. when his sight cleared, he had found himself getting carried by a nurse.

he squeaked.

"oh my god, jihoonie," his mother exclaimed, before hitting the nurse's arms softly, "hey, i told you to be careful with my son!"

jihoon sighed, "what is happening, mother? why is... oh god, i-i can walk!" he turned his head towards the nurse who was blushing furiously, "please put me down."

"no, jihoonie, you're too fragile for doing things on your own. let's get you to our chopper at the hospital's rooftop," she beamed,

"your father is waiting for you at home."

jihoon stiffened, his thoughts wandering to his father's furious face, his booming voice that made jihoon flinch, and his intimidating stance that jihoon wouldn't want to see. what would his father say to him? he would surely scold him for running away. it was already bad that he could no longer do things on his own, and that his boyfriend had left him,

soonyoung had left him. his father---

his father would be angry at soonyoung.

jihoon pushed himself off from the nurse's hold, falling down to the hard floor on his butt. he groaned at the pain, he almost felt his every organ and muscle jingling from the impact. before the shocked nurse could pull him up, he already stood up, leaning on the wall for support. he faced his surprised mother.

"mother," he breathed through gritted teeth, "soonyoung... where is soonyoung?"

"i don't know." his mother had replied, "why do you even still ask for that ungrateful rascal?" 

"father wouldn't hurt him, would he?" jihoon asked, his eyes wide as he panted, his heart heavy in his chest.

his mother furrowed her penciled eyebrows at him, before telling the nurse to leave them alone for a moment. she walked towards jihoon with slow steps, the sound of her heels hitting the floor made jihoon's heart run faster.

she held jihoon's face in her soft hands, blood red nails contrasting to jihoon's pale complexion.

"your father isn't a monster, jihoon," she sighed, her eyes saddening.

jihoon sighed in relief.

"he's only like that to you because he's trying to protect you," before jihoon could protest, mrs. lee hugged him, hands softly patting jihoon's hair. the boy never did thought in a million years that the hugs of his always absent mother would feel as warm as this. 

"his ways may not be the best, but that's the only way he knew. he's trying, and even if it doesn't really reach you, he's trying to be the kind of father he thought you needed." 

"he was more of an employer than a father." jihoon croaked out, remembering all the times he felt so small under his father's stares. his heart ached at the thought of his father. 

"yes," his mother chuckled, "he doesn't know affection." 

"he doesn't know anything aside from being the boss of his own company."

"but i know his heart." mrs lee had whispered, pulling away from jihoon and smiling gently at him. she fixed jihoon's bangs, her eyes twinkling, before leaning in and whispering right into her son's ear, "and i know yours."

"if only the both of you would give each other a chance..."

jihoon stood stiffly, just staring into his mother's eyes. his hand balled into a fist at his sides, his knees trembling.

"how would you know? you were never home," jihoon spoke through gritted teeth, his voice a mere whisper; full of raw, unspoken emotion, it fell to his mother's shoulders. it was heavy, 

"you don't know me."

"i may not be a mother, but i was once a child of your age, too. and believe me, sweetheart, there's no one i could relate to in this world more than i relate to you."

she sadly smiled at the frozen jihoon, walking away to call the nurses to assist them towards the rooftop of the hospital.

jihoon felt like a bucket of cold water washed over him.

* * *

the chopper was loud, although it was not loud enough to silence jihoon's thoughts. he watched the blue sky and the clouds, the sight not new to him for he had seen it from so many flights he had to board with his father. he wondered why the clouds that looked like soft cotton candy could cause turbulence to flights. he wondered why he thought that boarding his first flight would make him feel like a free-willed bird, when it was supposed to be a trip to a business meeting he was forced to attend. he wondered why there are some things that are not really what it seems to be.

like that accident more than a year ago.

he was excited to take his first steps to being free, his dad finally letting him choose the person he wanted to be with. and when he thought that he was already a step closer to the universe he longed for, the earth just had to find a way to keep him grounded.

just when he thought he could finally reach the stars, the gravity pulls him down to kiss the ground beneath his feet, telling him to stay in his place.

telling him that he did not deserve the stars. that he did not deserve the infinity within it. that he would never be free.

before the accident, he was owned by his father. always barking out orders that he followed right away. always watching him with hawk eyes that he did not dare defy him, save for a few instances that his boyfriend gave him a taste of freedom. but all of a sudden, in just a blink of an eye, all it took was a huge truck crushing jihoon's expensive car in a horrible accident to change jihoon's fate. 

he was now owned by his illness.

suddenly, everything was gone from him.

his passion, his hope, his youthful skin and his beauty, his determination, 

his love.

he had lost soonyoung. and he couldn't even let himself be angry or sad about it because he didn't want to be selfish. 

he was even more chained than ever. he couldn't even let himself feel a thing. 

"... jihoon," his mother softly called, making jihoon look at her worried face.

jihoon then realised that his face was wet with tears. he had been crying and he didn't even know it. he let out a sob, his throat aching at the force.

his mother shot him a concerned look before pulling him into a hug. jihoon cried louder, the loud noise of the chopper droning everything out, his tears carried by the wind, drifting and dancing, before it landed on a surface.

* * *

there was a droplet of water that fell to soonyoung's left cheek, traveling down, down, down until it fell down to his shirt, just right above his heart. he looked up to see if the sky was dark, but he was met with a chopper that flew right above him.

it wasn't raining he realised. he wondered where the droplet came from, and if the stars had finally cried for his and his boyfriend's cruel fate.

he was startled when his phone rang, vibrating in his pocket. he immediately took the device out, and after seeing the caller's id, his heart jumped inside his chest.

"mr. kwon? good morning." the voice greeted,

soonyoung sighed. this was it. the call he was waiting for. 

"mr. lee has agreed to meet you."

soonyoung froze, his heart doing somersaults in his chest. he didn't know if he should be thankful for the call or if he should regret his decision. but there was one thing he was sure of, he would do everything for his boyfriend.

he uttered a thank you before hanging up the call. he had made his decision. there's no backing out now.

he was going to meet jihoon's father.

* * *


	18. 𝖈𝖔𝖗𝖛𝖚𝖘

_i wish for a shooting star_   
_i wish for an unbroken_ _hea_ _rt_

* * *

  
when the chopper landed on the rooftop of a bigger hospital in seoul, jihoon wondered if this was what his mother referred to as home. "your father is waiting for you at home," she had said, smiling at her son who stiffened at the mention of his father. he thought that they would head to their house, with his father smiling big and arms wide open to welcome him, and he would finally spend the rest of his days at peace. but it seemed like a distant dream, and jihoon wasn't even sleeping.

jihoon felt more alone than ever.

as the sky turned lilac in colour, the universe spoke of forgotten promise, of the faceless man in his memories who sat at the driver side of a broke-down pick-up truck. the faceless man who laughed with him, his laughters ringing in jihoon's ear, the vibration of his chest as he hugged jihoon from behind going straight to his heart. the faceless man's warm hands as he held jihoon's in his while lying at the back of his pick-up, just watching the stars. the faceless man's whisper of forever at the beach, the beautiful glint of the starry ring.

_i have the universe wrapped around my finger, and yet it felt empty._

jihoon toyed with the ring. he wondered if he should give it back to soonyoung. they were not heading towards infinity, anyway, and jihoon felt like he didn't deserve the beautiful thing; he wasn't worthy enough to let it be wasted away in sad memories after he dies. soonyoung wouldn't even want to see it. he could just give it back so he doesn't taint it wit his unfortunate fate. maybe he could wrap it in a beautiful box, with a cute little ribbon and----

"jihoon, my son."

jihoon felt a solid body softly wrapped around his, two pair of strong arms resting on his back. the smell of men's perfume wafted through his nostrils, and he knew that smell too well.

_"dad! look at me, im all washed up now!" little jihoon beamed, showing off his cute little pyjamas. he stood proudly, but his shir, was inside out and his slippers were worn wrong. his dad, still wearing his suit, laughed a little before scooping the boy in his arms._

_"yes, you are, jihoonie. did your mother use your favourite shampoo?" he asked, playfully inhaling his son's hair. the boy giggled and the man smiled wider._

_"yes, daddy! do i smell good?"_

_"yes, son, although you don't smell as good as i am." he said, ruffling his sons hair. he laughed when the boy sniffed his suit, then frowned at the smell._

_"what is that daddy, it hurts my nose-y!"_

jihoon let out a smile at the memory. his dad pulled back from the hug and jihoon had to keep his face stoic again. jihoon felt his heart fell when he finally noticed how messy his dad looked. there were dark bags under his eyes, and his hair wasn't combed into perfection. the wind was ruffling it, making it stand on all directions. there were a few more wrinkles beside his bloodshot eyes and his skin looked pale. he wasn't wearing a suit, he was wearing a jacket that was big on him.

jihoon didn't know what could be the reason for his dad's worry that he didn't care about perfection anymore.

"son... i'm--i'm glad you came back..." mr. lee swallowed, hiding his tears that were gathering up at the corner of his eyes as he turned around. there were a lot of things they had to work on in their relationship, but their connection as father and son had never left him, it was just in the corner of their hearts, hidden by the emotions they had after everything that had happened between them.

mr. lee cleared his throat, facing the nurses that waited for an order from the ceo, "assist my son," he bowed to them, something that jihoon didn't see that often, " _please_."

"... dad." jihoon called, his voice a only a whisper. mr. lee stopped in his tracks, knowing that it was almost a lifetime ago the last time jihoon had called him dad.

"thank you."

* * *

  
jihoon sighed, staring at his mother and father's silhouette just beyond the wall that leads to the door. they hadn't known jihoon was awake, so they were arguing about something. something that sounded like a big event for they were talking about theme and motifs and the such. he shook his head. he had been awake enough to know that his mother wanted the event to be held in a garden, or at the beach, while his father opted for something grand at their biggest and most prestigious hotel in new york.

"i told you already, donghoon, we should go for the flower-themed wed--"

"this kind of event only happens once, jieun, i want it to be the best thing ever to happen!"

"so do i, dear husband!"

"then don't give me lame suggestions!

"lame suggestions, really?!"

"... you know what, we should probably just ask ji---"

"i am now starting to think about divorcing you this instance, donghoon---"

jihoon decided that he had heard more than enough and cleared his throat loudly. his mother squeaked, before scuttering around to see jihoon. she immediately smiled when she saw his son awake.

"what are you arguing about?" jihoon had asked, yawning.

his mother nervously laughed, swaying her arms around as she thought of an answer. then jihoon's dad appeared beside his mrs. lee, the latter elbowing him slightly, making him wince.

"it is about..." he stopped, glancing at his wife for support, before looking back at jihoon again, "a weddi---"

the door bursted open and a nurse came rushing in,

"sir, someone is waiting for you at the lounge!" the nurse panted, leaning on the doorframe for support, "he said that this is an emergency!"

mrs. lee let out a sound of surprise, and then she and her husband came rushing out of the room to follow the nurse, leaving jihoon to ponder about what could be the reason why his parents were arguing so light-heartedly and the emergency that made them smile a bit. jihoon sighed as he realised that his parents were weird. he couldn't help but smile at the thought though, because his parents were now starting to feel like family, and they were really working hard on bonding with him. he figured that his mother was right. the three of them just didn't give each other a chance, too busy with their own feelings that they forgot others feel them too.

he felt like he couldn't wish for more, and yet, in his heart was a huge, empty hole. right when things were finally starting to get better for him, he felt like he needed his only star more than ever. he couldn't let himself be happy if he wasn't sharing that happiness with soonyoung.

he just wished he would come back soon. he longed for him every night. he longed for him everyday, every moment of his life just staring at the plain white ceiling of the hospital room. his face was the last that jihoon sees before he sleeps. his face was the first that jihoon wants to see after he wakes up. he felt like there was a huge black hole in his soul, sucking every positive emotion that he had.

he wished he could go to him like how he used to do back then when everything was okay between them. when there was only the stars to worry about.

he wished soonyoung would visit him one day, to tell him that he loves him and that he would never leave him again.

there was someone knocking at the door. a spark suddenly ignited inside jihoon's heart, dizzying him. he sat up, despite his body almost falling back down as soon as he got up, but he fought it and crawled so he could lean on the headrest. he panted, the little action making him more tired that it should have made him.

he cleared his throat, waiting for the person.

the door open and it revealed a man jihoon knew and kept close to his heart, his doe eyes seeking the room before it rested on jihoon. he smiled, before closing the door behind him and walking towards the foot of jihoon's bed.

jihoon was more than elated to see seungcheol, but if his heart fell a little, it was because he was waiting for someone else.

"hi." jihoon breathed, giving seungcheol a little wave and a smile to accompany it.

"hi, ji." seungcheol returned the smile.

"my father hasn't seen you, has he?" jihoon asked, suddenly remembering the feud between their fathers. he couldn't bear to see his father being angry at him, after all the things that happened between them since jihoon came back to this hospital in seoul, because he knew it would cause a riffle in their newfound relationship.

seungcheol just shook his head still smiling at jihoon, and the latter just gave out a relief sigh.

"your father had seen me. in fact, he was the one who called me."

jihoon's eyes widened in surprise, he clutched his chest in surprise, staring into seungcheol eyes to look for a trace of lie. the doe-eyed boy just stared at him, an amused smile resting on his pretty lips.

"but you... your father---"

"our fathers are talking at the lobby right now, probably about where to hold the reception, or the people that they would send invitations to---"

jihoon then lifted up a hand, stopping seungcheol, who stared at him expectantly.

"wait, wait, wait, cheollie," jihoon didn't notice seungcheol's smile growing wider at the nickname, "i don't know what's happening. everyone around me is talking about that big event and i don't even know what that is about." jihoon sighed, massaging his forehead as he struggled to lay back on the bed. everything was tiring him.

seungcheol ran to his side, helping him. his warmth radiating off him in waves and jihoon bit his lips, as he tried not to cry and cuddle his best friend. he just felt so emotional right then and he wanted to keep everyone close to his heart near him, and hug them and love them and just bask in their warmth.

"what's happening in a few days isn't just a big event, jihoon, it's a wedding." seungcheol said, pulling the blanket to cover jihoon. and then, his eyes suddenly caught something, a shiny ring around seungcheol's ring finger. it looked like a simple band, and jihoon wondered if it was just a jewelry, or seungcheol's finally getting married.

"a wedding?" jihoon repeated, deciding that questioning seungcheol about his love life could wait, "what, renewing my parents vows?"

seungcheol chuckled, before sitting beside jihoon on the bed. the blue boy noticed how he played with the ring on his finger, and jihoon smiled a bit. he must love the person so much, and knowing how much of a romantic seungcheol was, the person must love him back just as much.

for a moment, jihoon felt envious. but he tried to swallow it down, knowing that he should just be happy for seungcheol and his spouse-to-be and----

"it's your wedding ceremony, jihoon,"

seungcheol had uttered, his smile the widest jihoon had ever seen,

"and our fathers are discussing it as we talk."

* * *

  
jihoon had stayed silent the whole day. seungcheol tried engaging him in a conversation but he only replied with a nod, a shake of his head and a timid smile.

"you don't seem happy about your own wedding. why is that?" seungcheol had asked.

jihoon couldn't bear to ruin the older's obvious excitement so he made an excuse about not feeling well, making his parents frantically call for the doctors and nurses. when seungcheol had left with his father, giving jihoon a kiss on the forehead before exiting the room, jihoon had let himself cry.

he thought that everything's finally getting better for once. he thought wrong. there were so many things that was happening, his parents had asked him his preferred location but he didn't answer them, pretending to be asleep as he turned his back on them. he knew he saw the hurt on their faces but jihoon couldn't find it in himself to sympathise. he was the one getting married to a person he did not love romantically, and they were the one who planned it.

jihoon thought he could finally be free, and then they just had to slap him across the face for him to know that the blue boy didn't deserve it.

he loved seungcheol, but certainly not that way. he could live with him in a house and they could share a room but they would never be the couple soonyoung and jihoon was. seungcheol would never be the one for jihoon. they all knew damn well how jihoon still cry for soonyoung every night. how jihoon still couldn't take his eyes off his starry ring that represented their love. how jihoon still stared at the stars, waiting for a shooting star so he could wish for an infinity.

maybe. the universe was too cruel for not giving him a chance to be happy even in his last few days.

jihoon sobbed, his tears soaking his pillow as he buried his face in it. he screamed and although it was muffled by a pillow, his mother probably heard his sob that she entered the hospital room in a hurry.

"ji---jihoon, oh my god--- im calling the doc,---"

"mother, please..." jihoon looked at her with bloodshot eyes, begging,

jieun lee had never seen something so broken that it's pieces had turned into dust drifting through the wind, getting into the eyes of the people around them. mrs. lee felt tears streaming down her own cheeks as she stared at her son in bewilderment, wondering how much pain the boy could be going through right now, that his eyes were burning raging fire, and yet as he pleaded, it burned white, melting into a pool of desperation and lawlessness.

"i-i just want to be selfish right now, mother, please..." he choked, "please let me call soonyoung..."

and who was jieun lee to refuse the boy's broken plea? in a daze, she took her phone out from her coat pocket, handing it to jihoon. she wiped her tears as her son tried to compose his self. there was silence save for the low beep of the monitor beside jihoon, and the dial tone of the phone.

jihoon knew soonyoung's number by heart. yet if he only looked at the contacts and the call logs, he would find the older's name in it.

" _hello, ma'am---i mean,_ _tita_ _? is everything okay with the_ _invita_ _\---"_

"... soonyoung." jihoon whispered, too caught up in the fuzzy feeling in his heart after hearing soonyoung's voice that he didn't process the words soonyoung had uttered in worry.

"... _jihoon_."

jihoon felt like his heart had shattered into million pieces, and it repaired itself slowly so that he could feel it jumping again. everything was just so hazy that jihoon couldn't stop a sob that left his lips. he just wanted for soonyoung to kiss him, to hug him and to tell him that everything's going to be alright,

hell he he just wanted to see soonyoung again.

" _ji_ _, are---are you okay?"_ soonyoung asked, his voice laced with worry and concern.

jihoon tried to swallow down his sobs. he couldn't waste any more time. he knew his mother was watching him, and he didn't want anymore conflict with them. he also knew that soonyoung had better things to do than to babysit him and cater to his selfish needs.

he inhaled, "soons, will you sing me a song?"

soonyoung coughed, and jihoon let a bittersweet smile grace his lips.

" _song? you know you're the better singer between us,_ _ji_ _. i don't--- i don't know how to--- i mean,"_

"please, soonyoung? please? that---that song you played on the beach when you... when you gave me this ring..."

jihoon stifled back a sob.

" _uh... i mean, yeah, sure, okay."_ soonyoung took a deep breath and jihoon closed his eyes as he waited.

" _boy, you look tired,_  
 _take of your shoes now_  
 _come on to bed_  
 _we'll chase your blues out_  
 _jump up on board_  
 _we're taking a ride to mars,"_

jihoon let out a small sigh, letting his mind wander to that one beautiful night at a beach in jeju, when the stars were out and about, and twinkling and gazing at them with jealousy as soonyoung and jihoon danced, hand in hand, bodies to bodies, hearts beating loud and fast. everything was a blur, a beautiful blue hue making their skin glow, and the soft little loving smile on their lips, the kind of smile you do when you're drink and you thought of something wonderful. maybe jihoon and soonyoung was drunk back then, with their love as the wine and the stars as their wineglass. they swam into their ocean of stars, leaving the black holes of their universes behind them as they tried to escape.

everything was just so wonderful that jihoon could feel his eyes fluttering close.

" _let's take our space ship_  
 _out on the sky_  
 _fly to the moon_  
 _and take out a slice_  
 _space bonnie and clyde_  
 _riding into the night_ ,"

of all the things jihoon could have wished for, he asked for a song from soonyoung. something that he would keep in his heart forever, something that would make him remember that,

once upon a time, in a universe where only two stars existed, the said stars got a taste of infinity, and even if it left them broken at the end, what matters the most is that they had fallen in love.

"' _cause_ _you've_ _been working so hard_  
 _but this is your cue_  
 _just for tonight_  
 _i'll take care of you,_  
 _we'll leave all this gravity_  
 _behind,"_

jihoon had fallen asleep. his condition not doing better, causing him to drift into long hours of sleep and be awake less.

jieun cried as she watched the poor boy who fell asleep with tears still falling down his cheeks, and wondered how broken could one person be. how much sadness it takes for a person to be as shattered as her son. how much more would it take for him to finally snap, and fall down.

mrs. lee walked to the bed, taking the phone from her son's limp hand, and explained to soonyoung that jihoon was too tired to stay awake.

* * *

a small figure of a man sitting by the old fountain at the middle of the garden stared silently at the stars. his feet moved back and forth, following the rhythm of his humming. he was humming the tune of the song his boyfriend had played when he proposed at the beach. the place was dark, the only light was the old garden lamp at the corner. the scenery belonged to a painting van gogh would like elated to see; the majestic stars and the beautiful flowers meeting to accompany the blue boy.

jihoon sighed as he remembered the last time he was seated on the same spot in the middle of the garden. soonyoung was with him, holding him close and his jacket wrapped around jihoon who was awashed by the smell of spice and honey of the older.

what were they talking about then?

  
jihoon looked up, and he remembered that soonyoung took him out the garden in the middle of the night to show him a star he thought he discovered.

woozi, wasn't it?

and there was the lone star blinking right back at him.

"would you be happy for me if i marry someone else?" jihoon let his question be carried away by the wind. he waited for an answer from the star, not really expecting, but was just wondering what star would've answered. it must have been something along the lines of-

  
"i wouldn't be happy if it is someone other than me."

that voice...

jihoon looked back to see the only star in his universe smiling down at him. all of a sudden, his feelings came back, even more stronger than before abd his tears started blurring his sight again. he thanked the universe for the opportunity, even if it was only short-lived.

all he wanted to do was wrap his arms around the older but when he was just about to do so, soonyoung kneeled in front of him and took jihoon's hand in both of his, his warmth spreading through jihoon's bloodstream like wildfire.

"marry me." and just like that night in jeju, the stars were jealous of the serendipitous wonder on soonyoung's face.  
  
  
  
  
  
  


soonyoung stood by the huge glass sliding door of the hospital, watching as jihoon stared at the stars again, a hobby the older had gotten used to throughout the years the were together. he sighed as he wondered how someone could be as beautiful as his boyfriend when surrounded by the dark, and only the moonlight to illuminate his beautiful glowing skin. soonyoung wondered how lucky he could be.

everything about jihoon was perfect. his smiles, his laughs, his everything. soonyoung wondered what the heavens were thinking to give jihoon to a trainwreck like him, and even if he knew that he was not deserving, he would make up for it by promising the stars that he would reserve his heart only for him, only for the blue boy he could never take his eyes off of.

he had never seen the younger for a few day more than a week, and it felt like a slow death that almost made soonyoung just give up, but now that he was looking at him, he couldn't stop the happiness that made his heart clench inside his chest. he was busy running errands for mr. lee to win his favor, and when he was finally back to ask for jihoon's hand in marriage, he was surprised to see that mr. lee had already beat him to it, with the plan for their wedding already laid out on the table when he entered his office.

"kwon soonyoung." mr. lee called him, sitting beside his smiling wife and soonyoung looked between them in bewilderment.

"marry my son, boy, and make him happy." mr. lee had uttered softly, his hand resting above his wife's on his arm, and the woman only sighed happily as she turned her head towards soonyoung.

"you don't seem so bad, now, soonyoung. welcome to the family."

and if soonyoung sobbed like a newborn in his pick-up, holding a printed invitation in his hand with the words,

_soonyoung and jihoon_   
_for eternity, for infinity, for forever._   
_hearts woven together by the mellifluous whispers of the stars._

in elegant cursive writing, no one was to know.

they had went through so much pain, and a wedding ceremony to conclude their time as boyfriends and a start to a new life of being husbands made everything so worth it in the end. looking back at the countless sneaking out and running away that they had to do made soonyoung's heart soar, because finally... finally, the star he had only longed for would be officially his, sealed by the promise of the heavens and the contract of man, strengthened by their love and vows.

finally, infinity seemed like only a step away.

* * *


	19. 𝖈𝖔𝖗𝖔𝖓𝖆 𝖇𝖔𝖗𝖊𝖆𝖑𝖎𝖘

y _our crown of stars looks beautiful,_  
 _my_ _bride_

* * *

jihoon couldn't believe anything that was happening around him for the past days. before that beautiful night in the hospital's garden, he had believed that his parents were forcing him into marrying his best friend that he had to ignore for the past four years because his father claimed that their clan is the worst kind of persons ever. everything was overwhelming. seungcheol had said that jihoon's father reconciled with his, finally ending the feud between their families and companies. jihoon didn't know what his father was thinking, and what made him do that.

when he confronted his father, he got the answer he had only wished for back then,

_"i think... i think i'm too closed off from my family. all i ever thought about was the business my father had started, i wanted to keep his legacy going. i just didn't realise that i was already compromising my role as a father to you and as a husband to your mother in the process. son, jihoon..._

_"i want to fix everything i have destroyed because of my selfishness, starting with you and your mother. i forced you into doing the things you didn't like, and i sent your mother to trips so she could win important people's favor. she told me that she felt more of a trophy than a wife, and that made me spend my night thinking about the things that i thought was important for me._

_when i asked myself, what do i care for the most?_

_and when i tried to answer that it is my family, even i didn't believe myself._

_because all i have ever seen in your faces were fatigue and sadness and anger whenever you would look at me. i thought, is that how you care for the person you love? by making them do things that they didn't like? by taking the things that they love away from them?_

_and i was ashamed of myself._

_all my life, i have been living like i was alone. when was the last time we went out for a simple dinner as a family without meeting with business partners? when was the last time that we talked without mentioning about the sales and the board directors? when was the last time you have smiled at me?_

_when was the last time you called me dad, and when was the last time i told your mother she was_ _stilll_ _as beautiful as ever?_

_i didn't have an answer. because it has been so long that i already forgot. it has been so long since i was a father and a husband._

_i thought that giving out orders would organise how we run this family. i thought that controlling you would make us stronger. i thought that by giving you your exact place in this household would lessen the chance of you rebelling._

_and i was really a fool to have that kind of mindset._

_so now that i have realised things, i am seeking for your forgiveness. i promise to treat you and your mother right._

_we might still not be the parents the world would label as the best, but we would try our outmost best to give you everything that would make you happy._

_and if that boy--- if that persistent boy would make you happy, then i would let him make you happy._

_even if he's weird and he's loud and he calls me a lot, then i will accept him as a part of our family. that kid grows on people, and i wouldn't stop it if he grows on me eventually._

_he would be with us for forever, after all._

_and the_ _chois_ _\--- i have realised that maybe it was time to reunite with our long time friends..._

_because i just want to be happy with you and your mother. finally."_

the preparation for the wedding was hectic. it was a big event, as people would always say to jihoon. his mother and father were running from one place to another, talking to their connections in the business world to give their son the best wedding they could ever give. what they didn't realise though, was that jihoon never asked for the best wedding, but jihoon figured out that it should be fine. he was elated and grateful for the attention and he couldn't burst his parents' little bubble of excitement. he already knew how much of a sucker for great sceneries paired with romance his mother was, and how much of a big fan of grand and elegant events his father was, too.

he smiled at the thought, they seemed more human to him now.

their wedding was already scheduled for a few days; no one questioned it after hearing about jihoon's condition. they were chasing time. they couldn't risk anything. people were always coming in and out of jihoon's hospital room, like ants asking him questions one after the other. they were asking so many question, showing him too many pictures, making him choose between different motifs all at once. it was tiring, but not that much, especially when soonyoung was there beside him to hold his hand or to shoo those people away everytime the blue boy got annoyed and tired.

the designer for their wedding suits came in with three thick magazines of the suits they could choose from. soonyoung was slouching on the hospital bed, leaning at the bed rest while jihoon laid on his lap, flipping through the magazine and making sounds of disgust.

"minghao would kill himself before he could lay his eyes on this horrible suits." jihoon uttered under his breath, making the designer in front of them clear his throat, taking offence. soonyoung smiled apologetically at him.

"what do you think about crowns?" soonyoung asked, looking at the magazine a jihoon was holding. on the page, was a man in silver suit who wore a stunning crown of jewel, like a prince awaiting for his coronation to be the next king. jihoon shook his head.

"i don't want to look like some sort of a snob royalty," jihoon flipped the page, seeing another man, now in sparkly suit that looked like a disco ball. jihoon's eye twitched.

soonyoung snorted at what he said.

"well, not that kind of crown. it looked posh and pretentious," soonyoung glanced at the fuming designer, "no offence,"

"none taken." the designer replied through gritted teeth. soonyoung smiled sweetly at him, and jihoon stifled a cough to cover his laugh. soonyoung then glanced at him, raking his hands through jihoon's soft hair, making the younger purr like a cat. the designer kept silent but gave them the stink eye.

"a crown of stars, perhaps."

jihoon's eyes widened, his heart beating loud in his chest as soonyoung continued to stroke his hair lovingly. he leaned in to the touch, before glancing at the designer, "can you make that?"

"of course, sir."

"then it's settled." soonyoung beamed, his eyes disappearing into slits.

* * *

"how many are left in your bucket list? i haven't seen the last ones." soonyoung asked, popping a cherry into his mouth as he laid in jihoon's bed, the younger cuddled up to him.

"a thing or two, i don't know. the last one's not that important anyway." 

the doctor that came in shook his head at the couple, particularly at soonyoung who was hogging the bed that was meant for one patient only, but decided to not tell them off for it would only fall on deaf ears. he checked jihoon's vital signs and then immediately left.

"all of the people in here are absolute snobs," soonyoung snorted, popping another cherry into his mouth, the bowl now laying on his stomach as jihoon fed himself too.

"rich people." jihoon supplied shrugging.

"then what are you? why are you so different from everyone?" soonyoung took the bowl and placed it on the table beside the bed, snuggling closer to jihoon until the younger laid on his chest, "why are you so, so different that i couldn't even imagine what my life would be like if i haven't met you?"

jihoon couldn't help the fluttering of his heart inside his chest. _aren't you the same?_ he thought. thinking of all the things soonyoung was made of, from his beautiful mind to his beautiful soul. jihoon was lucky to be beside him, and jihoon was lucky to be in that park the day they met. he was lucky that soonyoung was a friend of seungcheol, and it was like he wasn't just lucky after all.

it was fate.

jihoon looked up to him, his eyes twinkling, their hearts beating in sync.

"i love you."

and right then, soonyoung realised that infinities really existed between him and his boyfriend. looking at the stars twinkling in jihoon's eyes, the universe that made up his beautiful soul, soonyoung was astonished. beside him was a star,

a star he would love for infinity.

* * *

the boy with the slanted eyes finally had a vision for the future.

"boys, can you come for a minute?" mr. lee had a smile on his face as his wife giggled beside him.

soonyoung then carried jihoon to the wheelchair, the younger too weak to walk. they followed jihoon's parents to the elevator, down the lobby of the hospital, towards the parking lot. the younger couple was confused as to what was happening, sharing glances and silent i love you's.

when they reached the parking lot, soonyoung screamed.

"oh my god! whoa--- what is that---!"

jihoon's mother laughed, pushing soonyoung away to take over the handle of the wheelchair. soonyoung then looked back to jihoon who was just as surprised as him. they shared a loot, mouths agape, panting, before soonyoung turned around again to look at the thing in front of them.

there was their beloved pick-up truck, coated with shiny silver paint, flower filling the back as a comfy white couch laid in the middle, and a tall arc over it, with dangling stars.

"isn't he beautiful?" mrs. lee had giggled.

* * *

the day of the wedding was warm, but not terribly so. the early sun peeked out occasionally. a pleasant breeze from the north rustled in the surrounding shrubs, cooling the guests and family members as they took their seats on either side of the walk leading to the gazebo where an elegant boue and purple strips of cloth were hanging from the ceiling. sweet strains of classical music drifted through the crowd, played by one of the best pianist the lees were acquainted with. there were white and purple flowers everywhere, and blue petals littered the walkway of the garden leading to the grandious arc of flowers and glittering at stars at the front.

the playground off to the right was empty, although a nine boys standing around the rows of chairs eyed it with longing and mischief. seungcheol laughed at his friends, knowing that the stiff navy suits they were dressed in were a mask to make the boys seem like an adults when they were really just a bunch of three-year-olds trapped in a grown body. obviously, they would much rather be jumping and climbing, instead of being fussed over by the lees' professional stylists, having their ties and make up adjusted every damn time. streamers fluttered around the elegant white and gold railing and banisters, a festive mixture of purple, light blue, and white.

to the left were another arc, but there was a white, lacy cloth attached to it to serve as a curtain, as it was fluttered by the wind. beyond the arc was the driveway, where the guests came out of their car to walk through the curtain of the arc. beside it were rows of bushes of white roses, beautifully arranged by the florists the lees had hired.

there were people from the business industry that chattered to themselves, and some were from the media taking pictures. some vips sat at the front, one of them was a senator and the others were just filthy rich businessmen who only came to win mr. lee's favor and didn't really care about the couple to be wed. the seventeen boy sat at the center. the organiser making sure that they were alright.

everything was beautiful, and when a horrible hum of what seemed like a truck filled their ears, junhui suddenly yelled in excitement, making the organisers shut him off gently while jeonghan scolded him.

the music stopped, and all heads turned to face the far end of the walk. the opening to a beautiful wedding march started to play. everyone held their breath as the curtain fluttered, a figure slowly started forming from the shadows. and soon, there jihoon was, seated on his wheelchair adorned with beautifup gems and flowers, making him glisten, and though it was not the thingbthat made the audience's jaw dropped in awe. jihoon, in his beautiful tuxedo with gold embroidery and the crown of stars on his head, was stunning. he looked like a prince, and everyone couldn't help but gape at the blue boy who seemed to glow in happiness. pushing his wheelchair was soonyoung, wearing a matching tuxedo but it was sleek black that it shone under the sunlight. there were also gold patterns adorning the front of his tuxedo. his hair was brushed back, accentuating his beautiful eyes that twinkled as tears started gathering on the corner. it was beautiful.

time seemed to slow down as they walked down the walkway, both had smiles on their faces as they shared a loving look. everyone could feel their love, and mrs. lee started crying beneath her see-through veil. they looked ethereal. and when they reached the front, they sat under the beautiful arc, hands intertwined on jihoon's lap.

the music faded, and the clergyman stepped up to the microphone, nodding at the couple before he smiled at the assembly. "cherished family members and honored guests, i would like to thank each of you for coming out this morning," he said. the sound carried well from the small speakers to either side of the podium.

after the opening, it was finally time for their vows.

jihoon was handed the microphone first, and soonyoung smiled at him sweetly, making the audience fond at his cuteness despite the mature look he had earlier.

"soonyoung, don't smile at me like that, baby. i won't say your prepared vow for me." jihoon smirked, his playful teasing making the audience laugh.

"don't you love me?" soonyoung pouted. jihoon just shook his head 'no' at him, his fond smile betraying his answer.

jihoon then finally cleared his throat, silencing the audience as he glance soonyoung's hands in his.

"hoshi... there are a lot of things i would love to promise you, and yet, yesterday, when i was in the middle of writing my wedding vow, i couldn't think of anything. " jihoon inhaled deeply, gathering the courage to say whatever he wanted to say to soonyoung that very moment.

"i'm... i'm sorry because even if i wanted to give you a lot of things, to promise you happiness... i..." jihoon swallowed, he looked at their intertwined fingers, and his starry ring glistened. a tear fell from his eye, and he finally looked up again to meet soonyoung's eyes with his.

"i love you, soonyoung, i love you so much that i cannot promise you anything i know i wouldn't be able to keep. you have given me so much, you have been my sanctuary; the only star in my universe and i know that i will have to keep it that way. because you are my soulmate. you are what the heavens had given to me, and i will forever be thankful for that. you have been there when i couldn't find it in me to live, to continue pursuing my dreams, to continue making music. you were always there, at 3 am, listening to me as i sing you one of my newest composition so that someone would remember. you were there when i have been so angry at the world for not giving me what i wanted, for always forcing me to do the things i hated, and you took me to countless places that have been my refugé everytime i feel alone. you have been there to listen to me while i rant about my love for the stars, as you drove your pick-up towards sunset, as we sang along to coldplay and snow patrol. you have promised to stay by my side no matter what, every night, as we lay side by side on the back of your pick-up, just watching the stars.

you promised me that i would always find you in the same place. and it hurts that i couldn't do the same. i can't promise you anything now that i wouldn't be able to keep, but let me tell you this, hoshi.

i love you and i will continue to do so until the end of time. i will be the stars to guide you everytime you are lost; i will be the moon to accompany you whenever you are alone; i will be the sun to smile with you at every sunrise, and to kiss you at every sunset; i will be the blue sky to hug you whenever you feel tired, and the pink sky to tell you that i love you whenever you are doubting yourself. these aren't just empty promises, my love, these are the truths that i had asked the heavens for.

i will be always with you, no matter what.

i, lee jihoon, take you kwon soonyoung to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish;"

"until death do us part."

soonyoung's heart fell at the look on jihoon's face when he said the last line. he tried not to think of it, and as he wiped the tears that were streaming down his face, he started voicing out his vows.

"jihoon, my love, my star, my universe, only the stars know how i long for you every moment of the day, even when i am laying beside you, i long for your smiles and laugh and just your beauty. you are so, so beautiful," soonyoung uttered, breathless, and as jihoon's cheeks dusted pink, the boy with the slanted eyes smiled, "your soul, mind and body; you are beautiful. everything about you is beautiful. and i could never express how grateful i am to have you beside me in this very special day.

the first time i have seen you in that park, i felt like all the stars in my universe had aligned, sewing my fate with yours, giving me what i needed the most.

you are my only reason, ji. you are my everything; my universe and everything beyond it. you are the only one for me and i couldn't imagine a life without you anymore. you have been beside me for so long, that a world without you is a stranger to me. how would i be able to live without my home? without my heart?

how would i be able to live without you?

so do not ever leave me, my star, please, because that would only mean the death of my soul.

i will always be here, as the boy who had fallen in love with a star, because everything you love is you, jihoon. you are the stars you admired, you are the yellow and pink and orange hue of the sunset, you are the waves on the ocean, and you are everything i have yet to see in this world.

i love you.

i, kwon soonyoung, take you lee jihoon, to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish;"

"until death do us part."

and as two souls became one in a ceremony that day, as the rings on their fingers glistened under the beautiful light of the sun, as the applause came after the kiss that sealed their marriage, the clouds started darkening at the sign of rain. the white sheets rustled as the northern breeze swayed them, a whisper of promise for the two wild souls that has been tied together by a wondefully tragic fate they were woven with, and the end of their love on earth was to reveal itself before them.

but even death could never part two hearts that beat as one, such as the hearts of the boy with the slanted eyes and the blue boy.

for infinities beyond the stars

* * *


	20. 𝖈𝖎𝖗𝖈𝖎𝖓𝖚𝖘

_you're my northern star_   
_you guide me to my home_

* * *

once upon a time, there was a boy who couldn't stop looking at the stars. 

he would always lay on his bed of grass, in his hand was a beautiful bouquet of forget-me-nots, staring at the night sky that was filled with twinkling lights that seemed like someone really tall--- probably mingyu, poured honey on the sky to act as a glue, and stuck fireflies on the canvass coated with darkness. when the stars burned out, he burned with them.

_there was thick smoke making him unable to breathe. there was a lot of smoke, and yet it didn't hurt soonyoung's eyes. but he felt like it did, and he looked around to see, but he couldn't and everything was confusing. he was in a really dark place, and there was only one light behind him, but when he looked back, it was too bright that he couldn't keep his eyes at it for more that a second. he didn't know what to do._

_and then all of a sudden, he found himself running, breaking through the walls of smoke. and he could see the bright light chasing before him. he needed to get away. he needed to get away before the white light engulfs him in it's brightness. he felt his sweat running down the side of his forehead but he couldn't stop running. his feet were moving on it's own, so he just ran and ran and ran..._

_until the smoke slowly drifted away from his sight, revealing a small figure a few meters away from him._

_soonyoung didn't stop running._

_it was jihoon. standing at the edge of the platform they were on, waiting for him... smiling._

_soonyoung took a deep breath and when he reached the younger, he threw his body at him, hugging him, and smiling at his warmth. but then, all of a sudden, the white light had reached them, and jihoon screamed._

_soonyoung pulled away only to see jihoon slowly turned into dust. there were tears falling from his eyes, and his lips were parted in pain. it was a horrible, horrible sight. soonyoung couldn't speak. he couldn't scream. he couldn't do anything but watch as the white light swallowed jihoon up._

_he opened his lips... jihoon... jihoon._

_jihoon!_

"... jihoon." soonyoung woke up with the name laying heavy on his tongue. there were beads of cold sweat on his forehead and his his heart was beating loud in his chest. his eyes were wide and he was panting. he felt like he had ran a few miles,

and in his nightmare, he actually had. it felt so real that soonyoung couldn't shake the bad feeling in his system. he couldn't get the bad taste out of his mouth. 

"jihoon." he repeated as he blindly reached for the switch of the bedside lamp beside him. when there came a little light to brighten his room up, he immediately took his phone, and with trembling fingers and a heavy heart, he dialled for jihoon's number.

the younger answered the call with a yawn and a meek hello.

soonyoung gave out a relived sigh at hearing the boy's voice.

"did i wake you up?"

"yes, dear husband, you better have something important to say." jihoon had softly uttered, annoyed, though soonyoung still smiled at what the younger had called him.

"i love you." soonyoung let the words lay heavy on the air.

"... i love you, too." jihoon replied, chuckling, and asked, "why so out of the blue?"

"when was i 'in the blue'?"

"right." jihoon laughed, and soonyoung could hear the rustling of the sheets of his bed.

"when will you sleep beside me as my husband, my star?" soonyoung sighed, looking at the empty spot in the bed beside him, where he imagined jihoon laid on his side, his hand holding a phone to his ears, smiling softly at soonyoung. the older smiled silently to himself. what a beautiful sight, he thought.

"hospital protocols are bullshit." jihoon breathed, "sneak into my room, soonyoung. no one would know."

jihoon hung up and soonyoung immediately took his keys and his jacket, not bothering to change into more appropriate clothes, only wearing his hole-filled sweater and shorts. he drove his pick-up fast to the hospital, and if the ten minute drive had been reduced to five minutes due to soonyoung's overspeeding, the police were idiots to not know. 

and the hospital staffs were even worse to not know that there was a boy with slanted eyes climbing over to the window of one of their vip rooms, only in his sleepwear, trying to sleep beside his husband for the first time after their wedding.

jihoon giggled as soon as soonyoung sneaked into his window, his hair sticking out in all directions, his face swollen from sleep, and his knees trembling from the cold outside.

"i fought through the red lights, the excruciating cold, and the metal railings of your window and you had the audacity to laugh at me, you peasant?" soonyoung asked, as he walked to jihoon's bed. the younger laughed some more before scooting to the side to give soonyoung space. 

"what do you want me to do, your highness? worship you?" jihoon snorted. soonyoung also laughed with him, getting onto the bed and slipping his self underneath the covers. he then pulled jihoon closer to him until the younger laid on his chest.

"maybe. start with praising me." 

jihoon nudged him with his elbow and soonyoung yelped, laughing. when they settled into a comfortable silence, both slowly drifting into sleep, soonyoung had kissed jihoon's head.

"i love you, little star."

"if i end up in heaven, i promise you the stars." jihoon uttered, holding soonyoung's face with both of his tiny palms, making the older stare into his eyes. his eyes were bright, and there was a little smile on his face, so small that it almost went unnoticed. 

soonyoung took a deep breath, wondering how lucky he was to have the beautiful boy lay beside him as his other half. jihoon closed his eyes, softly whispering, "i love you, too."

and then the younger fluttered his eyes close, leaving soonyoung to stare at the tragic beauty that was his husband. he kissed his forehead good night, as jihoon breaths started getting even and smoother. soonyoung pondered for a few things for as while, thinking of his dream, of their situation and of the elephant in the room they refuse to think about. he wondered why jihoon's confession of love that night went right into his chest, making him unable to breath, drowning him in worry; a bittersweet taste in his mouth.

those three words, for the first time, didn't make soonyoung's heart flutter in his chest. it seemed like he was hearing it for the last time. it scared him. and yet he still pulled the younger closer to him, ignoring the little voice at the corner of his head that their infinity was already nearing an end. it was ironic, how can an infinity come to an end? but it was what the universe had promised, that everything will have to end someday, and yet the moments between the beginning and the ending were like infinities of it's own. some short, some longer, and yet they all end.

but soonyoung didn't want for his to end, so he shut his mind off, closed his eyes, and pretended to doze off to sleep as tears started falling from his eyes, wetting the younger's face who had been awake all along, listening to soonyoung's quiet sobs as the stars continued to twinkle outside their bed.

* * *

and the boy with the slanted eyes was right. the morning after, soonyoung found himself outside the hospital room, face buried in his palm as doctors and nurses rushed their movements inside.

in his chest laid his heavy heart, beating wild and fast as he struggled not to think of anything bad that might happen. he had been waiting for an hour already, noticing every dark corners of the hallway, taking note of every chipped paint of the walls. he had already counted all of the cracks on the tiles, but it didn't distract him long enough from the event that was happening in front of him.

he refuse to hear the flat static sound that signifies only one thing.

outside the suffocating confinement of the plain white walls of the hospital, people were busy doing what they ought to do. as the sun started rising up to the sky, people rushed to buy what they needed to start their day. a boy was riding his bike towards the grocery store at the corner, being the one who was told to buy the carton of milk they had ran out of. a mother of two drove her bmw as she left early for work, her older son going out to record his first mixtape, the younger out to play with his best friend at their tree house. a girl was on her phone, her hand manicured as her heels clicked along the busy sidewalk of their neighborhood. she was smiling, she finally scored a date, and though it was only with the best friend of her crush, any step closer to him was enough for the girl. 

it was a beautiful day, the weather was not too cold for the first time that week. people were now starting to wear thinner clothes, while the leaves slowly started growing from the branches of the trees. winter was fading away, yet it was sad that slowly, in a private hospital that only the rich could afford, no skill could save a dying soul, the blue boy fading away with winter.

the doctors came out of the room and soonyoung immediately stood up upon noticing them. he still wore his clothes that he had slept in the night before, his sweater that had tiny holes from the cat he used to bring food to back then, and his shorts that didn't even reach his knees. there were large bags around his bloodshot eyes and he still hadn't taken a shower, brushed his teeth or had breakfast. his movements were frantic, and he couldn't keep his hand still. he was always raking his hand through his hair, pulling down the hem of his sweater or rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand.

everything about the boy was a mess, and upon seeing the crestfallen look on the doctor's faces, he fell apart.

"the patient's guardians are coming. we will relay the news once they arrive." the doctor said, looking at soonyoung in the eye. he had a frown on his face, beads of sweat starting to form on his forehead.

soonyoung felt his knees buckling.

"tell me what happened." soonyoung spoke, his voice coming out hoarse, like a painful screech of his vocal chords rubbing against each other, unrecognisable. "i am-- i am his husband, doctor."

the doctor shook his head, "i'm sorry. only the lees are listed---"

"tell me what happened to jihoon, fuck it!" soonyoung took long steps to the shaken doctor, and before he could even reach him, the nurses had pulled him away, holding both of his arms as he seethed in anger.

there were a lot of things soonyoung was feeling right then. he couldn't--- he couldn't believe it. no, he couldn't. he would never. the doctors, they're stupid.

the doctors were stupid for acting that way.

"sir, please calm down." one of the nurses had said, struggling to keep soonyoung at place.

"how can i calm down when---" soonyoung's voice broke, his scratchy throat aching. he let out a sob, tears started falling right after, and the nurses let him fall to his knees as he finally gave up with fighting the truth.

it was tiring. fighting the truth, that is.

"i'm sorry, sir." the doctor, after seeing soonyoung finally breaking down, decided to defy their hospital's protocol for once. he heaved a sigh, his face sympathetic. "there was nothing we could do. the damage that the accident had caused to his head was something that we couldn't heal, despite our outmost efforts.

i'm sorry, sir, but your husband is gone."

and then they left the poor boy grieving on the floor; unable to help their patient, also unable to help those they had left heart broken. the hallway was filled with wails of agony, as soonyoung kneeled on the floor, clutching his heart like everything physically hurt him. and it did.

because the blue boy had left, and he didn't take soonyoung with him.

soonyoung had seen a lot of sad things, his parents divorcing, marrying themselves into another families thus leaving him, their first son, alone and no one to care for. he had seen friendships falling apart, people getting into fights, prostitute luring sad and thirsty people into their arms for the night, teenagers succumbing to the haze of different drugs, alcohol, and all those vices that people use to escape their realities. the things he had seen made him into who he was, a boy who chased fun with his pick-up with the word trouble written all over his shit-eating grin. 

he was alone, and because of it, he had never known what it felt like to be scared for someone or for himself. until he met the blue boy.

that's why he had never prepared himself for seeing a few of the most tragic things in the world; 

**1\. mother and father weeping for their deceased son.**

soonyoung stood at the wide doorframe of the cold room, still hadn't had the chance to change into decent clothes. he felt numb. his tears had slowed down, but there were still a few that had left tear tracks down his cheeks. he had rushed his steps when he followed the nurses when they transferred jihoon's body to the hospital's morgue, not realising that maybe he had left his slippers when he ran down the stairs as fast as he could. he stood barefooted, the coldness of the floor unable to faze him as he silently watched the scene unfolding in front of him.

donghoon held jieun in a tight hug, as they both cried at the unfortunate fate of the boy that lied in front of them. donghoon was silently weeping, his frown carved deeper than ever into his face, as tears watered his wrinkled skin. he looked like he had gotten ten years older in just a span of ten minutes. there were so much sadness and guilt and regret in his eyes that it was painful for soonyoung to look at. he glanced at the woman inside donghoon's arms, and the boy's heart broke more.

jieun was sobbing, clutching onto her husband's shirt as her once flawless face became drenched in tears and snot. for once, she didn't care about how she looked. there was a huge emptiness inside her that is swimming in pain and and agony, and all she could do was cry to lessen the weight on her chest. she was heaving so much that it looked like she was breathing her last breaths. on her face, like her husband, was regret.

when donghoon made eye contact with soonyoung, he gestured for the boy to come closer. soonyoung hesistantly took a few steps, just noticing then that he was barefooted. he bowed his head in embarrassment. when he reached the grieving couple, donghoon let go of his wife, the woman hugging the body covered by a white cloth beside her, while her husband bent down in front of soonyoung and slipped a pair of flip flops on the boy's freezing feet.

**2\. friends crying for the boy that had been a part of their little family, realising that without him, they would never be the same again**.

soonyoung had seen when seungcheol rushed into the hospital, his eyes bloodshot just like the boy with slanted eyes, and he was shaking from head to toe. he ran into the room where they kept jihoon's body, and when he was right in front of the lifeless body, soonyoung didn't expect the silence that came after. it was a long silence, and soonyoung watched, his heart aching at the thought of the strong man breaking. 

when the rest of their friends came, seungcheol was still frozen like a statue in front of jihoon, standing there for an hour or two or five-- soonyoung had lost count, unmoving, silent, falling apart. even when jeonghan started sobbing, walking away to a far corner to grieve by himself, and seungkwan and seokmin started pulling the others into a hug of comfort, all of them had tears streaming down their faces, seungcheol still didn't move. even after chan had hugged him from behind, and mr. lee had given him a pat on the back, seungcheol didn't budge.

he only showed signs of being with them when soonyoung had stood beside him and he turned his head to look at the boy with slanted eyes. they stood in silence for a while, until soonyoung looked and there wasn't any tears on seungcheol's face, but he had a crestfallen look, like he had just lost everything he had. and maybe he just did.

"... hyung," soonyoung had uttered brokenly, his tears racing down his cheeks right after, and he let out a sob that had made the rest of the boys behind them who were watching turn their gazes away, unable to look at the fallen look on soonyoung's face.

seungcheol then pulled soonyoung closer, his strong hand on the younger's head as he pulled him to his chest, hugging him. soonyoung cried on his chest, and it wasn't the best feeling, but knowing that he was not alone and there were so many people who felt the same way as he made his heart a little lighter. 

"come, boys." seungcheol called the boys, gesturing for them to come closer and when they did, he pulled them closer one by one until they were all in a hug.

"i can't believe this..." jeonghan had uttered.

and soonyoung knew that all of them felt the same way as they hugged each other closer, each one pulling the person beside them onto their chest. they had wept for the blue boy that they would never have the chance to be with ever again.

**3\. the other half, the soulmate, the lover with half of his heart not beating** **anymore** **; crestfallen.**

when soonyoung had seen his face on the mirror in the hospital's restroom, he didn't recognise the boy who stared back at him. he was ugly. and sad. and broken.

he was torn apart. 

he looked away, not wanting to stare at the mess reflected by the mirror. he was too tired to hate everything that was happening in his life right then. he just wanted to sleep in jihoon's favourite clothes, listen to the songs jihoon had composed and recorded, and dream of his cat-like eyes, his button nose and his pink lips.

he needed to see jihoon again. he would give everything to see his husband again. hell, he would give his life up if he could go to wherever jihoon was right then, but he couldn't because he was a coward. he had always been a coward. his fun-loving and easy-going façade was something he had to wear in order to cover his weak soul. jihoon had seen through his mask, and maybe that's the reason why the boy with slanted eyes had fallen in love with the blue boy.

jihoon was the stronger one in their relationship, and yet, he was the first one who had lost his battle.

the days went by excrutiatingly fast as soonyoung refused to leave his room. he wore jihoon's clothes as he laid on his bed, just staring at the stars that jihoon's night lamp was projecting onto the ceiling. he couldn't look at the real stars because it held so many memories that it made soonyoung's pain even greater. mr. lee would sometimes check on him, sometimes jeonghan and seungcheol, or the rest of the boys, but they would be met with the same scene; soonyoung in jihoon's clothes that looked ridiculously small on him, staring at the ceiling of stars silently. 

they had left him, they all cope up differently anyways, but sometimes they would try to talk to him and it helped, although the pain of losing his other half would never ever leave him. 

they all share the same pain, though,

the blue boy who had loved the stars, had finally left them to be one.

* * *


	21. 𝖔𝖕𝖍𝖎𝖚𝖈𝖍𝖚𝖘

_those stars that healed us are long gone_  
 _they died_.

* * *

the sun was slowly sinking behind the tall buildings yet again, painting the sky with beautiful colours of the sunset, a promise to bring out the stars. the moon was at the other side of the sky, faint shadow showing if you look close enough, waiting for the sun to finally go to have his turn. people were already rushing out of their offices, busy streets filled with red lights and beeps of the car, rush hour at it's peak. teenagers who wore darker clothes and heavier make ups started filling up the streets, headed to the bar around the block that they weren't even at the age for.

soonyoung remembered his first ever bar experience. only seventeen, he knew he wasn't allowed to go and yet who could stop a free soul such as he for doing the things he wanted to do? he tagged along with seungcheol and his classmates, them being his seniors, so that he could slip on without alerting the bulky baldies— (as seungkwan would call them).

it was stupid. he didn't like alcohol because it made him dizzy and really stupid. he hated the taste of it, but he liked the thought of doing adult things so he gulped the whole thing in one drinking, impressing his seniors who watched them.

he smirked at the praise and cheers of his seniors.

and then a few moments later, he found himself making out with a lamp post.

_seungcheol had dragged him outside after their little party, waiting for his friend who would fetch them. he was texting and smiling to himself stupidly like some teenage girl texting his crush creepy emojis with hearts, and soonyoung was appalled. he made sounds of disgust, making seungcheol glare at him. he giggled to himself._

_"seungcheol and his friend," he started singing, making seungcheol stare at him weirdly, "sitting on a tree,"_

_and then he hugged the lamp post and started kissing it to tease seungcheol who was now laughing,_

_"k-i-s-s-i-n-g!"_

_that's when a shiny silver porsche pulled over. their designated driver for the day just came at the right moment of soonyoung making out with a lamp post. a small figure got out of the car, watching soonyoung, who still hadn't noticed him, like he was the reason for global warming and the carrier of every infectious disease the world has ever had. the small boy was disturbed._

_he held seungcheol's arm, pulling him towards the car._

_"get in the car now before he sees us," the driver had whispered into seungcheol's ear, "that madman might chase us. they're fucking scary."_

_seungcheol laughed loudly, slapping the boy's back as he doubled over. the boy watched him with the same look he had on his face when he watched soonyoung._

_"no,_ _ji_ _, no, he's not a madman," seungcheol wheezed between laughters, "that's my friend, soonyoung."_

_at the mention of his name, soonyoung turned around sluggishly, widening his eyes when he saw jihoon. and if he wasn't red enough from being too drunk, he turned into a tomato out of_ _embarrassment_ _at kissing a lamp post in front of that beautiful boy he met in the park._

_"he's weird, i don't like him." jihoon had said, crossing his arms in front of his chest, "he called me a midget."_

_and it was a night of seungcheol's laughters filling the two boy's ear as they stared at each other._

soonyoung smiled at the memory. he then shook his head, it was not a time for reminiscing. he still had works to do. he closed the curtain and turned around, walking towards the center of his small dance studio. he clapped his hands loudly, a smile plastered on his face.

"boys, time to wash up. get in the shower room now so you could change your sweaty clothes."

seven boys thanked him before scurrying over the shower room, their lesson for the day was finally over. soonyoung exhaled, feeling his shirt sticking to his wet skin. he looked at the clock and he saw that it was almost five in the afternoon. he smiled, the music class from the small building beside his studio ends at five. he put a towel around him and waited.

there were soft knocks on the door. soonyoung stifled a smile before opening the door. the boy with cat-like eyes and pink hair was smiling at him, small children around him who also smiled at soonyoung.

" _ji_ _—_ " 

the children suddenly started giggling as they ran past soonyoung who stood surprised by the doorframe. he glanced at the laughing boy infront of him and shook his head in amusement.

"jisoo, you bastard. you're making me babysit again." he accused.

"jeez, soonyoung, you make it sound like you don't love doing this." jisoo laughed when soonyoung exclaimed a loud "you are abusing my love for kids!"

"i told their parents to pick them up from here. seokmin and i are going out, and jeonghan--- well that devil incarnate already left before his shift ended." jisoo shook his head. 

soonyoung sighed, "jihoon shouldn't have given you the idea of putting up a music school beside my dance studio."

"you love us, and you love your boyfriend." jisoo smiled, nudging soonyoung with his shoulder, "'kay, boy, gotta go! seokmin's waiting for me at the mall!" jisoo waved at him before he could even say anything. soonyoung watched as jisoo jogged away.

"don't make the kids do stupid things again, okay? like paint on them! their parents hated it!" jisoo yelled, getting inside his car and waving at soonyoung. the boy with slanted eyes waved back at him as he mouthed an "i can't promise" that only made jisoo laugh.

soonyoung then finally went inside, watching ten boys and seven girls stare back at him with owlish eyes, all seated in the order he had always wanted them to follow. he smiled, closing the door behind him.

"okay, little children, raise your hand if you want to hear the story of the boy with the slanted eyes and the star once again!"

_"it goes like this..._

_once upon a time, in a kingdom not far away, lives the boy with the slanted eyes... do you see my upturned eyes? like the hands of the clock when it's ten minutes past ten? his eyes were exactly like this... huh--- don't poke my eyes, yejin, aw! no, wait--- okay settle down, children--- oh god no, eunsoo, don't pinch your eyes like that_!

_okay. okay. behave, kids. do you still want me to continue the story? .... thought so._

_so the boy with the slanted eyes had a horse named pick-up. no, it's not peacock,_ _jimin_ _, it's pick-up. pik-_ _ap_ _. okay? the boy loves his pick-up and he rides it everyday. until one day, he was at the palace garden. it was at night, and it was raining, but the boy didn't care, because when he looked up, there were a lot of stars twinkling above him._

_there were like thousands or even millions of them! and no, i don't know how they all fit in the sky, i'm not an astronomer. i am a dance teacher, okay? okay. the boy was lost. he stared at the stars and he stared and he stared and when he felt like he couldn't anymore, he still stared at them. he had fallen in love with the stars. every night, he would sneak into the palace garden, just to stare at the stars. sometimes, he would talk to them, and sometimes he would dance with them._

_sometimes he would sing to them. what song? well, there's this song the stars really loved. it was what the boy had played from spotify when he got on his knees to offer the stars his own universe._

_do you want me to sing it? okay, okay, settle down first. i know most of you are better singers than me anyway so yeah... don't judge_ _, okay?_

_ahem._

  
_lets take out our space ships_   
_out on the sky_   
_fly to the moon_   
_and take out a slice_

_space bonnie and clyde_   
_r_ _id_ _ing into the night_

_cause_ _youve_ _been working so hard_   
_but this is your cue_   
_just for tonight_   
_i'll take care of you_   
_and we'll leave all this gravity_   
_behind_

_okay, that should be enough. i could already see alexa snoring at the corner._

_back to the story then... the boy wished. he had wished that one day, when a star falls down from the heaven, he wish he would catch it in his palm. he didn't know that once every year, there comes a shooting star. you all have seen it, right? the other night from your balconies and windows?_

_one day, the boy was watching the stars again when suddenly, a star burned brighter and it fell to the earth. the boy had fallen asleep, and when he woke up, there was a star in his hands. he couldn't believe it! there was a star in his hands, finally! he was so happy that he forgot that the stars do not belong to earth, and he would have to put it back to the sky again._

_but let's not dwell on the sad things, children. do you know what the boy did with his star? they had fun! and they went to places! and they were happy!_

_finally, the boy was happy. the star made him happy, because it is the only thing he had loved in his life. the little star was the only thing he had aside from his pick-up._

_he and the star travelled to different places, riding their horse. they went to the beach to watch the sunset, they sang along to snow patrol and coldplay. but it angered the sun. the sun wanted for the star to leave the earth. but the star didn't want to, and the boy didn't want to let go of the star, so they ran away to jeju._

_they had fun in jeju, but the boy had started noticing something about his star. the more the star stayed in his palms, the more it burned out. it hurt the boy but he didn't want to let go. so he still held_ _it_ _tight. he loved the star too much to let go. they still had fun in jeju though, even if not as much as when the star first came to earth. they went to the beach again, and they drank wine--- no, children, alcohol is for adults only, okay? and it doesnt taste good, im tellin you._

_yeah, so they drank wine at the beach and they sang. and the boy promised the universe to the star. they were so happy that they also performed in front of a lot of people with their friends. and then they were married, riding their horse that they decorated with flowers when the sun finally realised that the boy and the star loved each other so much it was no use in tearing them apart. not literally, jenny, it means pushing them away from each other, okay? not slash them or something._

_but as you all know it, the star wasnt doing any better, and it would need to go back to the sky soon. the boy was so sad. the thought of the star leaving hurt him. it broke his heart. because he could never find another star again. he loved that one star, and he would never be able to replace it._

_but he had to do it. he had to put it back, because if he doesn't, the star would burn out and it would be reduced into ashes._

_the boy didn't want that, so even if it hurt him so much that he couldn't stop crying that night, he let the dying star go._

_and it went up, up, up to the sky. in a whisper, he had promised the star that he would love it endlessly. even if it hurt him that he had to let go of the star. even if it felt like giving up his only universe. even if it felt like his world turning into dust._

_love isn't always about happy endings after all._

_sometimes, you just have to live on and heal from it. so the boy with slanted eyes did. with time, he slowly let his broken heart fix itself. for the star. he would heal his broken heart so that he could love the star again with a functioning heart. because his star only deserved the best._

_he repaired his world, and let it rotate on it's own axis again. he took back his universe and existed in it. because he loved. because he still loves. and he will continue to love._

_for eternity._

_for infinity._

_for forever._

_ad infinitum, he whispered, and it meant forevermore."_

* * *


	22. 𝔢𝔫𝔡𝔦𝔫𝔤: 𝖘𝖔𝖑𝖎𝖙𝖚𝖉𝖊

> **_solitude_ **   
>  _the peaceful feeling of being alone_

> · . • ° · : · ° • . ·
> 
> _for forever,_   
>  _for eternity,_   
>  _my little star_
> 
> · . • ° · : · ° • . ·
> 
> _all of the stars will guide us home_
> 
> the boy with slanted eyes laid alone on the make-shift bed of blankets and pillows at the back of his pick-up, beside him was a leather journal that was not his. he hugged a jar of fireflies to his heaving chest as he watched the stars silently. up there, a million light years away, the star woozi stared back at him, as bright as ever, as beautiful as ever.
> 
> the wind blew and it ruffled the boy's hair, and he could almost feel a soft hand brushing his hair away from his face. the boy closed his eyes, feeling the breeze tickle his skin like it was kissing him. and maybe it was. maybe it was really kissing him, but the boy would never know. and there was the loud crashing of the waves against the shore, and crickets sing like how birds do at day. it was beautiful, and it was a confession of love for the boy. maybe it was a whispered 'i love you', from a place so far away that the recipient of the words could never comprehend it anymore. maybe it was a breathless 'you're beautiful', or a reassuring 'i will always be here'. maybe, but the boy would never know. for he doesn't see, and he doesn't hear, but he could still feel.
> 
> so he let those feelings take over him; those feelings that would never die, those feelings that would never grow old---he let those feelings take over him. he let his heart, mind and soul swim in an ocean of emotions he could never give name to. the ocean of emotions he once drowned in, the ocean of emotions he had swam in, hand in hand with the star of his, both diving deep enough, exploring, to see everything that is beyond them.
> 
> two boys diving into their ocean of emotions, exploring their growing universes, swimming with stars, and all they had was each other's hearts that they wore in their sleeves.
> 
> one drowned, and one resurfaced. the boy still doesn't know which one was he.
> 
> "jihoon," he uttered, his voice drifting through the air, carried by the wind in what seemed like a loving embrace, bringing it up to the sky, "are you... are you up there? watching me? looking down at me?
> 
> do you hear me?
> 
> you promised me the stars, didn't you?" the boy sighed, opening the jar of fireflies and watching as they started escaping out to the world, their lights resembling a twinkling star, but much nearer, much easier to grab and keep and much easier to not let go of. yet, the boy only watched as they danced around him.
> 
> this was what swimming with stars felt like.
> 
> "actually, i have never loved the stars like how you did. you were always excited about telling me different constellations and the stories behind their names while i drive our pick-up in a speed of 200 kph. seriously, those greek people are weird," the boy let out a laugh, subtly wiping the tear at the corner of his left eye. he sniffed, fixing his composure before he looked up again and forced a smile to his lips.
> 
> "you didn't need to promise me the stars, jihoon, because you already are. can i have you instead?"
> 
> the smile the boy had on his lips broke into a pained frown as he realised that the universe wouldn't grant his wish. he swallowed down the pain, drowning his heart in it, and forced another smile to his lips.
> 
> it came out sad and broken, rather than reassuring.
> 
> "those stars, the night sky, the moon--- you were always watching them, and i... i was always watching you. the way your eyes became slits when you smile, or the way they twitched whenever you hear someone singing off-key--- which i always did just to tease you, and the way your laugh feels like warm honey washing over me, i memorised them by heart. i may never see and hear them again, but what's important is that, they're always here," the boy pointed at his heart.
> 
> "in here."
> 
> "like that justin bieber song that you really hated back then but you couldn't stop singing, like the stray cat that has taken a liking to your smell that it followed you everywhere, like the moon as we drive towards where our old, pick-up truck would take us, they would follow me everywhere, because it's what you do. this is what you do to me, jihoon, it's what you do. back then, even if we were not together, i was always haunted by your smell, by your voice, by your stare. i feel like i could never be alone anymore, and i loved it. so i always came back running into your arms, because i could never let go of you."
> 
> the boy took a deep breath, smiling genuinely for the first time that day. the stars seemed to dance happily at this.
> 
> "i could never let you go, jihoon. in this lifetime and the next, and the one after that, until the day my soul will cease to exist, i would never let go of you. because you are with me, jihoon, for infinity. i have given my promise of forever to you, and i would keep it, even if you are already up there with the stars. i know that the distance between us cannot be measured anymore, but i will still look at you. even if i cant see you anymore, i would still look at you, through the things that you used to love, and the things that would remind me of my wonderful little star, 
> 
> of you."
> 
> the boy slowly lifted his arms up, towards the sky, like how his deceased boyfriend used to do whenever they are watching the stars, his hand grabbing at the distant twinkling lights. 
> 
> and maybe, his boyfriend reached out a hand, too. from the sky, the blue boy watched him with a smile, bending down as he kissed him, intertwining their fingers, whispering soft, airy and ghost-like words of gratitude. before he slowly dematerialised into a white mist, swirling in the air, up and up and up to the sky, finally leaving the earth to be one with the stars.
> 
> "i love you, jihoon. i would never forget you. for eternity, for infinity, for forever."
> 
> * * *
> 
> **j i h o o n ' s**   
>  **b u c k e t l i s t**
> 
> _[✓] spend the rest of my infinity with_ _soonyoung_ _._
> 
> this was a story of the boy who had loved that lone star, and the other who had the universe around his finger.
> 
> this was a story of two wild souls, a broke-down car and a bucket list.
> 
> and this story, would never come to an end, for the universe had finally given them the promise of eternity. not through their ephemeral lives, but through their undying love.
> 
> may the stars serve as a bridge to connect them not only once a year, but everytime their hearts would yearn to. 
> 
> **amore** **et** **melle** **et** **felle** **es** **fecundissimus**.
> 
> ad infinitum.
> 
> * * *


	23. 𝖔𝖚𝖙𝖗𝖔

_silently, one by one, in the infinite meadows of heaven, blossomed the lovely stars—the forget-me-nots of the angels._

_evangeline: a tale of acadie_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> — ꫀ ꪀ ᦔ —
> 
> follow me on my social media accounts to see the fanarts i made for this book!
> 
> wattpad: (@saesomewoo | https://www.wattpad.com/user/saesomewoo ) i've posted a playlist for this in the wattpad book!  
> ig: (@saesomesaeni | https://www.instagram.com/saesomesaeni/ ) it's in private so you have to follow me to see my art!  
> twitter: (@saesomewoo | https://mobile.twitter.com/saesomewoo ) let's be mutuals!


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